MINNEAPOLIS — General Mills announced today a new line of Nature Valley breakfast bars called “Just Chunks and Dust” that will be released to North…
People always told me to dance like no one was watching. To sing like nobody’s listening. But it turns out those people were assholes because…
CHICAGO — Local residents are reportedly hunkering down and preparing for the worst after Dave Matthews Band’s private jet was scheduled to fly over the…
WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the entire night laughing and talking on the phone with former President Trump about far-fetched ways…
KEENE, N.H. — Local man Wesley Peck is on day two of an absolute meltdown after being asked what his favorite band is, unsurprised sources…
Well, this was certainly unexpected. Here I am, a relatively law-abiding American citizen, trying to submit my application for a simple “License To Ill” only…
PHOENIX – Heavy metal icon and singer of Judas Priest Rob Halford reportedly received a final warning for riding his motorcycle inside his local Costco,…
WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden announced he would be scrapping his plans for a reelection campaign citing low ticket sales due to his waning popularity…
Sick Formulas Fatal to the Flesh shirt, bro. You’re a Morbid Angel fan? Prove it by naming three ancient Sumerian gods. I’ll wait. Yeah, that’s…
WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden assured the nation of his cognitive faculties by publicly releasing his Highlights magazine “Can You Spot the Difference?” quiz results,…
I never thought I’d be a cautionary tale. But now I know you should never get blackout drunk in front of your old friends from…
FARMINGTON, Mich. — Legendary rockstar, and noted climate change denier Ted Nugent excitedly unveiled the world’s first gas-powered guitar to stick it to the tree-hugging…
It’s been another long week, and you’re hoping to get a little R&R in before yet another Monday comes in to wreck your entire life.…
Everyone’s heard of Nostradamus, that famous old French dude who was an expert at predicting world events. But what if I told you that I…
LEMI, Finland — The International Heavy Metal Association (IHMA) agreed today to accept that “Beer” and “Professional Wrestling” will be recognized as official subgenres for…