ROCHESTER, N.Y. — 35-year-old pop punk singer Ross Calderon’s high school sweetheart is reportedly still in 10th grade, grossed-out sources confirmed.
“‘Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter,’” said Calderon, frontman of The Broken Swing Set Anthology. “This is a quote by my all-time favorite author on the politics of ageism, Mark Twain. I’ve never read anything else he’s ever written, but this quote resonated with me on a spiritual level. When people tell me that the age gap between me and my girlfriend is unethical, I tell them to sit and spin, because the second she’s legally able to rent a car in seven years, we’re out of this shit hole town for good.”
The couple’s friends and family are worried that the age gap could result in an unhealthy power dynamic where the teenager is groomed, used, and later discarded, but the teen insists there’s no cause for concern.
“Everyone needs to chill,” said high school sophomore, Hally Erickson, pulling on her cotton candy-flavored vape. “We all know that women are emotionally ten years older than their biological ages, and men are emotionally ten years younger than their biological ages, so we are both probably about 25 years old. He said he might even take me to their next show in Cleveland if I promise not to get jealous of other girls who hit on him.”
While the couple seems too engrossed in their dream of a “happily ever after” to listen to naysayers, relationship experts caution that a significant age gap often signifies deeper problems.
“There is a tendency for older men to prey on younger women, especially in towns with a heavy pop punk scene,” said relationship expert Donna Brady. “As you can imagine, Rochester is a hotbed for this kind of activity. Luckily these relationships don’t last long and usually come to an abrupt end once the woman’s frontal lobe has finished developing. Unfortunately, pop punk frontmen’s brains never fully form.”
At press time, Calderon was seen asking girls outside of the mall what colleges they planned to apply to.