NEW YORK — High-ranking Ticketmaster executive Chuck Dickenson reportedly charged significant fees to three ghosts who were visiting to teach him a timely lesson about greed, sources close to the spirits confirmed.
“We’ve been visiting greedy people around the holidays for over a century now. We’ve had all sorts of reactions: fear, shock, occasional arousal, but no one’s ever charged us money for showing up,” said The Ghost of Christmas Present. “Dickenson said it was $10 for admission into his home, a $5 processing charge, and a $3 ‘convenience fee.’ I explained to him that traveling through the void between the dead and living is actually quite inconvenient but he wasn’t hearing it. We begrudgingly paid it because we’ve been wanting to see him for years but we didn’t feel great about it.”
Dickenson explained that his time comes with a high price that consumers, living or undead, should be willing to pay.
“Look, I’m a very busy man and my time comes at a premium. Between sending 30 minutes of emails, screaming at my deadbeat son, playing golf doubles with Bruce Springsteen, and snorting cocaine off an escort’s ass, I only have so much room for visitors,” said Dickenson. “I’m actually glad they came. Not only did I make a cool $54 that I plan on burning in front of a homeless child on Christmas day, they helped me come up with some great new ideas. When the Ghost of Christmas Past showed me memories of going to all-ages DIY halls as a teen, it reminded me of how many independent venues there are left for us to buy out.”
Economist Jacob Chapman-Hall noted this is the latest in a long history of ghastly visits failing to have their intended effect.
“The ‘three ghosts’ routine had a lot of success for a while, but the process has had a waning success rate since ‘The Big Scrooge’ in 1843,” said Chapman-Hall. “The mega-wealthy nowadays are simply too evil. When they visited Jeff Bezos a few years back, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come accidentally gave him the idea for luxury space travel. Showing him a vision of the future helped him expedite the design of his personal rocket. We’re still not sure why it looks like a penis though.”
At press time, all three ghosts have retired after 10 minutes of trying to teach Elon Musk a lesson.