SAEGERTOWN, Pa. — Local punk Brian McFee assured everyone that his newfound wealth would have no impact on his worldview after winning $50 in a ‘Jumbo Bucks’ scratch-off, perplexed sources reported.
“Now that I’m flush, everyone thinks I’m going to start acting all hoity-toity and shit,” the unemployed McFee stated while panhandling outside a coffee shop. “But I feel like I’m going to keep the same down-to-earth persona I’ve always had. I’ll still dumpster dive outside the Acme and hit up the ‘for free’ bin at Goodwill. Sure, I might switch from Keystone to Yuengling, but you can still approach me like always — even though I’m rolling in it. Just don’t think because I’m rich now I’m going to lend you money. I help those who help themselves.”
Friends offered a more sobering and blunt assessment of McFee’s new financial situation when reached for comment.
“$50? That’s $35 after taxes at best, so I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about,” remarked acquaintance Jason Slater. “That scumbag still owes me gas money for every time I’ve had to drive his sorry ass to court hearings, so if he wants to do anything with that cash, maybe he should start paying back some of the friends he’s been mooching off of all these years. Honestly, I’d like money to change him, maybe he’ll be more responsible and stop asking me to pay for his food every time his card gets declined at Sheetz.”
Still, financial experts remark that for some sects of society, any influx of income can be viewed as wealth given their situation.
“For some, particularly children or those on the fringes of society, $50 can be seen as abundant wealth,” noted financial advisor Carrie Park. “If you go through life never paying for drinks or meals and constantly crashing on people’s couches, your overhead costs are decidedly low and therefore $50 could be viewed as an influx of capital. For people like McFee, however, rather than this money being used to help provide some semblance of financial security or settling up with one of the many bars he still has outstanding tabs with, it’s likely going towards new guitar strings or a keg for whatever house he’s currently squatting in.”
At press time, McFee was running a tab up at a local dive bar, blissfully unaware the entirety of his winnings had been garnished by the state for unpaid traffic tickets.