AUSTIN — Texas Governor Greg Abbott tested positive for the emerging Justified variant of COVID-19, according to a statement from the Governor’s office.
“The Governor is currently receiving Regeneron monoclonal antibody treatment for a case of what health officials are calling the Justified variant, a form of the virus that’s completely deserved by the person who contracts it,” Randy Barton, a spokesman for the Governor, said. “We’re not sure if he came into contact with it through his brazen disregard for the health and well-being of Texas children, his recent attempts to roll back civil rights across the state, or perhaps the large, unmasked gatherings he’s been hosting, but one thing is certain: it couldn’t have happened to a more worthy guy.”
Governor Abbott confirmed the diagnosis via phone from his mansion, where he’s reportedly isolating.
“Unlike so many Texans, who lack the means to quarantine for the safety of their families after a positive diagnosis, I’ll be holed up here in the Governor’s mansion, sucking off the good ol’ proverbial Longhorn teat, until it’s safe for me to get back out there again,” Abbott said. “And while I have contracted this so-called Justified variant, Texas voters can rest assured I’ll still be largely safe from the worst of the virus, afforded the best medical care available, and will probably only suffer mild symptoms, if any at all, due to the vaccine I’ve prohibited from being mandated.”
Estefania Ramirez, a virologist at the University of Texas at Austin, said that while the Justified variant has had some prominent cases, it’s unfortunately not as deadly as other, more common variants of COVID-19.
“Many Texans may be familiar with the Justified variant due to some of its more famous examples in the news, including some notable members of the federal government from Texas, like Kevin Brady and Kay Granger,” Ramirez said. “It’s probably best known for infecting Donald Trump last year. But most of the honest, hard-working people of Texas don’t need to worry about the Justified variant, which is considerably less lethal than one might hope. Governor Abbott’s case probably won’t result in any long-term symptoms, like an increase in decency or an embrace of empirical, fact-based knowledge, which the average Texan might experience from encountering the disease.”
At press-time, Barton confirmed that despite his recent diagnosis, Abbott hadn’t lost any of the smarm or general unpleasantness that have made him so popular in Texas politics.
Photo courtesy of World Travel & Tourism Council.
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