Looking to save face with your ex while also desperately trying to get her back? Cue the breakup playlist! Nothing says “I’m over it” like a calculated sequence of lyrical mindfucks that leave the door open to literally anything she might be willing to give.
The key is to musically emulate the sort of mixed messaging that kept her on her toes throughout your entire relationship. Are you hurting? Horny? Dating again? With this compilation, you can nurture the emotional confusion from which “I miss you” texts are born! While the song suggestions in the list can be replaced per your personal taste, for best results, make sure they adhere to the playlist’s strict sociopathic formula.
Track 1: The “I’m Lost Without You” Song
See “Anna” by The Menzingers
This first song is your hook. If you start off with a song that says “I’m better off without you,” you’ll lose her interest. Instead, try to make it seem like you’ve spent the last four hours crying, rereading all your old texts, and wondering how things could have ended this way. Any song by the Front Bottoms will work for this, but we’re kicking it off with “Anna” by The Menzingers.
Is she Anna? Is your home really not the same without her? Will you really wait, babe, as long as she needs to take? Ah, the questions this one will stir up. There’s nothing like a healthy dose of nostalgia to send your ex cascading through a post-you depression. And what more could you ask for than that?
Track 2: The “HA! I Cannot Belieeeeeve You Thought I Cared” Song
See “Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve)” by Buzzcocks
You’re doing fine. FINE! Who needs to grow old together and die in her arms, anyways? The thought hadn’t even crossed your mind. (Unless she wants to, in which case, that would be lovely). But if not, you were already going to say you didn’t want to.
Before her ego gets to Anna proportions, this second song choice should convey that there’s a limit to how pathetic you’re willing to be. This song from the Buzzcocks is a great way to admit that you still have feelings, but also stress that you don’t see much of a future with her (except in the case that she changes her mind and takes you back).
Track 3: The “Wait, What Is This Even About” Song
See “Janitor of Lunacy” by Nico
This song makes no sense in the context of this playlist but oh boy will it get her thinking. If you’ve chosen correctly she’ll spend hours trying to figure out what the fuck you meant by it. Friends will get roped into giving their thoughts. She’ll come up with her own theories. What’s important is that it in no way reflects anything meaningful about your relationship.
Track 4: The “But Really, All Jokes Aside, Should We Get Back Together? I’ll Give You 5 More Tries Before I’m Done and This Time I Mean It” Song
See “Far From Me” by Nick Cave
Now you’re ready to give her one last chance to reclaim the prize that is you. How better to inspire those romantic ruminations than with a Nick Cave ballad? The genius of this pick is that it spotlights your lovesick heart, while casting all blame for the breakup on her. You’ll want this song selection to get her wondering if she really did end things too quickly. Which, obviously, she did.
Track 5: The “Maybe I’m Better Off on My Own, Self-Improvement” Song
See “Get Better” by Frank Turner
Don’t worry, you don’t actually have to start improving yourself. You just have to make her believe that you are and thereby con her into coming back. Frank Turner’s “Get Better” is a great anthem for the self-improvement you’re faking. It admits faults and leads her to believe you’re directing your energy into positive personal development. She loves shit like that. If you think about it, you’re not even really pretending. Look how much effort you’re putting into making a playlist to get her back and/or tell her you’ve moved on!