TACOMA, Wash. — Punk house squatter Dave Giles reportedly converted virtually every open space within his home into a junk drawer, cluttered sources confirmed. “Dave’s…
DENVER — Local man Davey Hilton was “severely bummed” upon learning his new roommate, Nina McKenna, was the “intrusive thoughts” variety of OCD, instead of…
Is there anything more beautiful than a father’s love expressed through music? If there is, we don’t want to know about it. Meet Jay Graham,…
WAUKEE, Iowa — Tardy metalhead Colby Shelton accidentally wore his young sister’s Girl Scout vest to a recent show, mistaking it for his battle vest,…
MAUPIN, Ore. — Deflated cryptozoologist Sam Pennington expressed his frustration after once again mistaking Dinosaur Jr. lead singer and guitarist J Mascis for the elusive…
NEW YORK — An alarming scientific study has discovered that the absolute worst drivers in the US are almost exclusively from whichever state or states…
NEW YORK — A group of admittedly “horned-up” and “desperate” ornithologists confessed that the majority of questionable bird names were direct results of their uncontrollable…
NEW YORK — Former bully-turned-bouncer Terry Gallagher found himself fighting the urge to administer atomic wedgies to everyone at a recent They Might be Giants…
HAZELTON, Pa. — Former President Trump took time during a campaign rally to brag about successfully completing another cognitive test after finishing the puzzles on…
FORT WORTH, Texas — Local masturbator James Matheson was overheard thoughtfully whispering to himself a historical poem about Alexander the Great upon reaching the last…
SPOKANE, Wash. — Local Gen Alpha teen Angelina Stephenson was shocked and appalled to learn that famed commercial actor Snoop Dogg was not only not…
CHARLESTON, W.Va. — An increasingly agitated yellow canary found inside a previously abandoned basement venue is really bumming out attendees at a recent crust punk…
DURHAM, N.C. — Allegedly ill punk Tommy Donnelly has taken to his deathbed, which is also his roommate’s used futon, with only enough strength to…
CATONSVILLE, Md. — Local punk and terrible uncle Chris Middleton was genuinely unsure if his 5-year-old nephew might be too young to watch the suicide…
WASHINGTON — Former President Donald Trump announced that he is now just one indictment away from receiving a free, six-inch hoagie from the federal courthouse…