BALTIMORE — Local punk Rick Blairowitz blamed his prominent neck tattoo for his inability to be hired, despite it being the only positive trait noted during his interview yesterday for an entry-level position at Charles Schwab, management confirmed.
“I knew those stuffed-shirt, tight-ass stock monkeys were afraid of a guy like me,” said Blairowitz shortly after receiving an email informing him he wouldn’t be hired. “They were just staring at my neck tat the entire time… probably thinking I’d scare off all the grandmothers, so they couldn’t steal their social security checks. Fucking scumbags.”
However, James Calloway, a senior consultant at the firm, did not corroborate those claims.
“Yes, the tattoo work on Mr. Blairowitz’s neck was actually very well done — all of us were admiring it. The way the snake was coming out of the eyes of the skull, that was dope,” said Calloway. “Unfortunately, it was a variety of other factors that led to our decision… like when his gums randomly bled, or when he took out a flask and poured whiskey into his coffee.”
Blairowitz admitted the interview did not go as well as he hoped.
“I showed up about 45 minutes late because my roommate smoked me up to relax me before the interview… but I fell asleep on the bus and missed my stop,” said Blairowitz. “And I have two button-down shirts — one for court, and one that says ‘Kill All Pigs’ in big, black lettering on the back — and I wore the ‘Pigs’ shirt by accident. But, still, I know the neck tat was the deal breaker.”
One H.R. representative, who insisted on anonymity to speak candidly about an applicant, confirmed Blairowitz’s minimal work history ultimately led to his rejection.
“We were all really rootin’ for the guy, but it was clear he had no relevant experience whatsoever,” said the representative. “We needed someone with some kind of finance background and a college degree. Rick seemed confused about what industry we were even a part of. Under the section for references, he just had a link to a Bandcamp page.”
At press time, Blairowitz had changed his LinkedIn photo to one with a higher collar.