WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump boasted that the U.S.-led military strike on Iranian nuclear facilities successfully killed the architect of the 9/11 attacks, Osama bin Laden, who was previously thought to have been killed in 2011 by elite military forces, sources confirmed.
“We got him, well I got him. Because this was my idea, and it was a great idea I had, I’m not sure why nobody thought of this before me. Today all of America, and the world, can sleep a little bit better because we killed a really bad dude. Osama, sounds like the name of a president we used to have, is dead. America’s big beautiful bombs landed right on top of him and turned him into dust,” said Trump. “Some people, not very smart people, say he has been dead for over a decade. But that was part of the radical leftist lunatic Democrats’ plan to open up our borders so even more people could fly planes into towers. That’s what they want. Democrats were cheering in New Jersey when those planes hit.”
Trump supporter Darren Osgood was ecstatic when he heard the news.
“You see, I knew the government was lying when they said they killed him back in the day. We never even saw the body. If they actually killed him they should have put him on top of a truck and drove him around to every town in America so we could see that dead son of a bitch,” said Osgood. “But thankfully Trump used real bombs to vaporize that piece of crap. And I don’t want to hear any of these liberals whining and complaining about how this was an illegal strike that goes against American values. Think about the gas prices, those are probably going to be lower again, I think, and that’s what really matters.”
Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard refuted the president’s claim.
“There is no evidence that Osama bin Laden was still alive, and there is certainly no evidence that he was in Iran trying to enrich uranium in order to make a nuclear weapon. These were targeted strikes on multiple facilitie,s and we tried to keep civilian casualties to a minimum,” said Gabbard. “That said, President Trump has now installed himself as the honorary leader of the new SEAL Team 6. He also said he plans on holding a celebration where he will present himself with the Presidential Medal of Freedom and a Purple Heart. While he’s doing that I’ve been smashing every mirror in a ten-mile radius because I can’t stand to look at myself anymore.”
At press time, Trump claimed he personally arrested bank robber, and Public Enemy Number One, John Dillinger, and plans to ship him to El Salvador.