CHICAGO — Grammy-award-winning rapper Nas is reportedly furious with his agents for booking him onto Riot Fest, multiple frightened, tattooed backstage volunteers report.
“Where the fuck am I? It seems like they got every single white person in Chicago in this field, and each one is more of a freaky death clown than the next,” New York rap legend Nas explained, flinching at a gaffer with a purple mohawk and eight-inch gauged ears near Riot Fest’s green room. “And it’s not just the audience. I went to get some food in the performer’s area, and there was an actual monster eating a sandwich. He looked like Bowser got beat and fucked by a centaur and just casually told me, ‘Hi, I’m in GWAR, ’ like I’m supposed to know what that is. Some of the punks are cool, but there is no music on Earth that requires all that.”
Many concertgoers expressed confusion, but also excitement at Nas’s booking.
“I don’t know what the fuck he’s doing here, but I couldn’t be happier!” said jubilant Riot Fest attendee Marty Sprice. “I have had The Queen is Dead, The Great Milenko, and Illmatic stuck in the CD player of my Corolla since 2012, so this is a real watershed moment for me, personally.”
Mac Grady, one member of Nas’ extensive booking team, explained how the opportunity came up.
“So I’m guilty of kind of skimming through emails, and when I saw one about a festival in Chicago, I just assumed it was Lollapalooza. Nas actually has a secret phobia of unnaturally colored hair, so I never would’ve booked him onto this freak show if I had realized what Riot Fest is.” Grady explained while deleting all of his unread texts. “I wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but a group of people wearing raccoon tails on their backs were in front of me, so I got a little too queasy. I’m definitely getting fired.”
At the time of publication, Nas was heard muttering about seeing a witch as Patti Smith took the stage.
