After countless years of shoveling shit, kissing corporate asses, and innumerable acts of self-betrayal, dejected data entry clerk Thomas Brock was beginning to think it was all in vain, but not so fast, Brock. As older, wiser data analysts before him have said, “don’t quit five minutes before the miracle happens.”
It’s a good thing he heeded their advice, because two weeks after he’d secretly vowed to quit his job, move to a fishing port off the Florida coast, and spend more time with his wife and kids, his job gave him a pay increase so impressive that he and his family lost their health insurance. Welcome to the big leagues, buddy. You finally made it.
Sure, the increase in salary comes with longer hours, which means there will be less time to spend with his rapidly aging dog, and almost no time for hobbies, but sacrifice comes just before greatness. If keeping up with the Joneses means switching your daughter’s prescription inhaler for a generic one that looks like a kazoo, then so be it. With your new pay raise, you’ll be able to afford an air purifier from Sharper Image that will make her forget she even has asthma.
When wait times go down, and he gets a representative on the phone (which should happen any minute now), he and his family will be switched from the meager “Essential Plan” to the “Gold Plan.” Finally, a plan with some balls and insignia. Before you ask, yes, the premiums are astronomical, the benefits minimal, and the only in-network dentist is technically a veterinarian, but the new plan has the word “Gold” in it, and isn’t that what matters most?
This is just the beginning for Brock and his family. If he stays with this company five more years, he’ll get another pay increase and be eligible for the “Platinum Plan,” which only one other person in the office has. Unfortunately, the exclusive plan doesn’t cover ophthalmology visits, but once you’re able to afford an inground pool with an artificial grotto, your kids will barely even remember that their Dad wears an eyepatch now.
