Glitch in the Matrix? I Started Drinking and Now It’s Four Days Later
Not to startle you, but I’m currently 8 beers deep. Which means if you’re reading this, I may already be…
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RJ Atkinson
9 stories found
Burnt Out Teacher Way More Excited for Career Day Presentations Than the Kids
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local over-worked teacher Jason Nance was far more interested in her class’s Career Day presentations than her…
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Misogynist Who Can’t Get a Second Date Starting to Wonder if Maybe It’s Him, in Addition to the Liberal Media
EASTON, Md. — Local misogynist Bryce Turner is starting to suspect that he, in addition to MSNBC, are to blame…
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Sleepytime Tea Bear Dies in House Fire After Once Again Falling Asleep, Leaving Fireplace Unattended
SLEEPY HOLLOW, N.Y. — Beloved slumber icon Sleepytime Tea Bear reportedly died in an apparent house fire after falling asleep…
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Nihilist Doctor Recommends More Sleep So Your Meaningless Life Goes By Faster
NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Local doctor, and self-described nihilist, recommended more sleep for better mood, improved brain function, and a…
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Hardcore Kid Who Doesn’t Participate in Gym Class Most Athletic Student in School
EVANSVILLE, Ind. — Local hardcore kid Jackson Gattis is reportedly the most athletic student at his school despite his complete…
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Study Confirms There’s Nothing Cool About Drugs Except for All the Cool Stuff You’ll See, Hear, and Feel
BALTIMORE — A recent study out of Johns Hopkins confirms there’s absolutely nothing cool about drugs, except for all the…
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First Cool Cop? This One Is Asking Me if I Have Any Drugs
Wow, you can never judge a book by its cover. Even if that cover is an NYPD uniform. I mean…
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FAA Declares Real Motherfuckers Can Still Fly With Their Old ID
WASHINGTON — The Federal Aviation Administration announced that real motherfuckers may still board all domestic flights, regardless of Real ID…
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