RFK Jr. Appointed Head of Human Centipede
WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today announced his self-appointment as the department's first Head of Human Centipede,…
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Matt Husser
103 stories found
Report: RFK Jr. Consulted With Top Purina Scientists While Developing New Food Pyramid
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today revealed the revised food pyramid was developed with input from…
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Sex Offender Goes Door to Door Informing Neighborhood This an ICE Raid
MINNEAPOLIS — Minneapolis residents were reportedly on high alert today after a masked sex offender began going door to door…
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C-SPAN Spices Up Coverage With Congressional Kiss Cam
WASHINGTON — C-SPAN unveiled an effort to spice up their political coverage today by introducing a kiss cam during live…
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Bandmates Makes Pact If They’re Still Alive at 27 They’ll Kill Each Other
TACOMA, Wash. — Members of punk band The Shitbutts renewed their commitment to joining the 27 Club with a pact…
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Apple Introduces Single-Use ‘iPhone Loosie’
CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the next generation iPhone today, a new disposable single-use iPhone Loosie, sources…
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Trump Awarded Hormel Peace Prize
AUSTIN, MN — The Hormel Corporation has announced today it will be awarding its coveted Hormel Peace Prize to President…
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Memorial Bench Fucked On
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — A stroll in the park took a salacious turn today after one passerby witnessed a couple fucking…
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Goth Wandering Around During Daytime Must Have Rabies
SAN DIEGO — Bystanders were reportedly concerned after a wayward goth wandering around during the daytime triggered speculation that they…
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Grandpa’s “Walked Uphill Both Ways” Anecdote Not Landing With School Shooting Survivor
BOISE, Idaho — One grandpa's harrowing tale of “walking to school uphill both ways” failed to land with his 15-year-old…
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