OAKLAND — Blackened crust band DEATH BIRD has penned an extensive, preemptive apology note to their community before writing any music, dismissive sources confirmed today.…
LONDON — Morrissey announced today the cancellation of an upcoming Frank Ocean concert, creating much confusion amongst fans and promoters, production sources confirmed. The former…
SAN FRANCISCO — The makers of the audiophile app Shazam announced today that the program can now retrieve the precise TED talk a person is…
AKRON, Ohio — A pair of bathing suit bottoms were called in to pick up an off-season shift this week after a local woman’s underwear…
LOS ANGELES – A federal judge ordered earlier this evening that musician Lana Del Rey “pay what she wish” to settle a recent lawsuit allegedly…
NEW YORK — 26-year-old Angela Kitts announced today that she is now “totally against one-night stands,” instead preferring the stability of meaningless, long-term relationships, sources…
MADISON, Wisc. — Local polyamorous, gender-fluid teen Brendan McDaniels is frantically searching for the most respectful way to lose their virginity this year, sources close…
BELLINGHAM, Wash. — 25-year-old Kyle Booth suspects that his new punk friends only like him for his basement, now that he’s befriended a local hardcore…
AUSTIN, Texas — Researchers at the University of Texas – Austin have completed a study that made some interesting discoveries about itself, according to a…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Friends of local man Jeremy Torres are unsure if his new girlfriend Laura Kelly is incredibly laid back or in desperate need…
KATONAH, N.Y. — After an incredible, fantastical journey searching for the correct venue of a secret show, local man Randy Brower found it was actually…
NEW ORLEANS — Jerry Nichols, the enthusiastic and supportive father of drummer Chris Nichols, is incessantly emailing his son band name suggestions as they come…
SEATTLE — Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos announced his plans today to “personally beat the shit out of small business owners across the country”…














