WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth delivered a special Memorial Day message to a covert unit of Marine operatives stationed at classified coordinates in…
SPRINGFIELD, Va. — Local Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) representative Luther Sacristan Diaz confirmed that Elon Musk’s rampant ketamine habit is still the single most effective…
OK, let me make myself exceedingly clear on one thing: I always do the necessary amount of research before I buy anything, be it a…
CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local bar Shooter’s last night, sources…
It’s been another tough week. You’re technically seven days older, though given the current stress of our political and economic climate, scientifically speaking, you have…
WASHINGTON — Popular YouTube children’s entertainer Ms. Rachel sparked backlash from pro-life right-wing commentators for her brave stance against ongoing infanticide in Gaza, confirmed sources.…
These days, it’s important for us to find ways to earn a living however we can. Rising costs due to inflation and tariffs can be…
MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered, befuddled sources report. “I grew…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Administrators at Harvard University are currently reaching out to everyone in their network and asking if anyone knows a good lawyer who…
BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Members of legendary New York Hardcore bands Malicious Destruction, Malfeasance, and Genghis debuted music from their new “supergroup” called Sealegs, confirmed multiple…
In trying times, nothing feels better than an uplifting story that renews our faith. In Raleigh, North Carolina tragedy became a triumph this week when…
CHICAGO — Local 42-year-old man Marshall Reese is descending into a nightmarish, unending spiral of increasingly comforting sleepytime teas, unable to prevent himself from sinking…
WASHINGTON — President Trump left his meeting with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa visibly shaken and confused after admitting he thought the leader died in…
WASHINGTON — Democratic leaders praised their own strategy of placing “gate” at the end of Trump-led Republican crimes in the effort for something, possibly anything,…
America at its best is the land of opportunity. It’s a place where (on paper at least) anyone from all walks of life can find…