I love life’s simple pleasures. I’m talkin’ taking in a good sunset, falling asleep to the sound of a crackling fire, or biting into a…
WASHINGTON — Independent venue owner Joe Englert panicked early yesterday morning after realizing he’s left sound guy Jake Montgomery locked in his club DC9 since…
WARRINGTON, Pa. — Local man and guy who “maybe enjoys an occasional drink, no big deal” Dennis Walsh realized yesterday that alcoholism is the only…
City punks are way too soft nowadays. I’m sick and tired of hearing all this crap about wage theft and other socialist propaganda. It’s like…
BALTIMORE — Local parents Mark and Susan Finkleburg skillfully avoided an emotional conversation with their child Mark Jr. last week by sneakily replacing his beloved…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local singer-songwriter Vince Valdez is less than a dozen woke Tweets away from eclipsing the massive amount of sexual assault allegations he…
“And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which…
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local 30-year-old and former band girlfriend Jenna Nuccio was delighted to realize yesterday that she’s finally aged out of dating local musicians,…
Daft Punk Breaking up Just Proves That European Automation Will Never Replace the American Workforce
As European technological innovation has caused countless industry jobs across the globe to become obsolete, the United States has proven time and time again that…
BOSTON — Local woman Jenna Jenkins allegedly made uncomfortable small talk with herself yesterday while self-administering a haircut at home, sources making an embarrassing attempt…
As time goes on, I realize America isn’t the country I once thought it was. I honestly believed that work ethic and ingenuity would get…
NASHVILLE — Local man and cowboy boots enthusiast Kyle Wilkinson had a brief, steamy encounter with an acoustic dreadnought guitar at a “socially-distanced house party”…
PORTLAND — Anxious roommate Megan Styers allegedly adorned every door in her house with a post-it note bearing only the word “sorry,” “just in case…