Death is the only thing certain in life, and if you’re a true punk you die a lot younger than most people. Here are just a few of the punks we lost this week.
Elise Parker
May 2, 1996 – June 30, 2023
Born in New York City, Elise Parker never, ever let you forget the fact she was born in New York City. She claimed until her dying day to have never loudly cheered “Woooooo!” when a band would ask the audience “How’s everyone doing tonight?”
Ms. Parker was employed at what she often described as “a quiet little local cafe,” omitting that it was housed in the lobby of the Goldman Sachs on 5th Avenue. She enjoyed hustling arcades by pretending not to be any good at skee ball, and then conning little kids out of all their tickets like a total shark. Ms. Parker passed away peacefully in her sleep right after thinking up the perfect comeback for that shitty thing her sister said to her the other day.
She is survived by her boyfriend Tad, her BFFs Wallace and Samantha, and her sister June, who according to the last note in Ms. Parker’s bedside diary can “suck it.”
Gary Kirkpatrick
March 11, 1988 – July 01, 2023
Born in Toledo, Ohio, Gary Kirkpatrick moved briefly to Cleveland before getting sick of the goddamn jokes and moving back to Toledo. He was a huge fan of the band Evanescence, once saying of them “Don’t ever tell anyone that Evanescence is my favorite band! That shit is fucking embarrassing.”
Mr. Kirkpatrick was an employee of local venue The Scrote Bucket for seven months before meeting his eventual end after suggesting it would be more efficient to start coiling the cables overhand style and subsequently being mauled to death by the venue’s belligerent sound guy, known only as “Mean Carl.” In his free time, Mr. Kirkpatrick enjoyed playing other people’s guitars poorly and doing rude impressions of his friends’ girlfriends behind their backs, especially Cathy.
An unlovable scruff of a man, Mr. Kirkpatrick is survived by his three bearded dragons, a poorly maintained monstera plant, and his roommate, Kenneth (no last name given). He will be deeply missed by a few, and forever lambasted by those he died owing money to.
Robert “Scudnuts” Oliphiler
May 2, 1979 – July 03, 2023
Born in an abandoned school bus somewhere outside of Kenosha, Wisconsin, Robert Oliphiler became known to his friends and family as “Scudnuts” after a childhood Razor scooter accident over hot asphalt. After later moving to Kenosha, he could often be found asking to bum cigarettes outside of bars he’d been banned from.
Mr. Oliphiler was briefly a roadie for Beyond Enemy Lines after stowing away in their tour van and refusing to leave until they paid him for shuffling their amps around in the back. He met his wife, Kate Oliphiler née Crews, after she caught him attempting to pull an insurance scam by sabotaging the dunk tank she was operating at the Wisconsin State Fair, and the two shared eleven years of marriage together prior to his tragic death attempting to siphon gas from a car that was already moving.
He is survived by his wife Kate, 3 children, none of whose names he could remember, and whichever members of Behind Enemy Lines are still alive.