DENVER — The pit at famed punk venue The Safe Room was packed with teary-eyed loved ones and well-wishers on Thursday night, as the flayed…
PHILADELPHIA — Local 33-year-old Seth Bourne is completely unable and unwilling to buy any shoes that are not specifically designed for skateboarding, according to concerned…
BOULDER, Colo. — Local crustie Dylan Waters was asked to hold his pose for “just a little bit longer” while a portrait artist added the…
FAIRFAX, VA – The National Rifle Association responded to the acquittal of police officer Jeronimo Yanez in the shooting death of Philando Castile today by having all…
QUANTICO, Virginia — Chicago is officially the most dangerous band in America, due to numerous instances of “friendly fire” roadie deaths, drive-by tour bus shootings,…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — An unsolicited rubbing of the arm of local woman Sarah Collins early yesterday evening confirmed her three tattoos as “100 percent authentic,”…
CLEVELAND — Touring roadie Russ Little made $40 last night simply by standing near the entrance of a free show held at local venue The…
BROOKLYN — A neighborhood garden has been left to the elements a full 60 days ahead of projections in a “triumph of underachievement,” according to…
NORRISTOWN, PA — Lady Justice, a six foot high inanimate bronze statue, was found unconscious behind the Montgomery County Courthouse on Saturday after Bill Cosby’s sexual…
MONTREAL — Canadian indie-rock icons Arcade Fire are planning to layoff 400 nonessential members by 2021 due to budgetary cutbacks, according to leaked internal memos.…
POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — A group of vacationing Australian koalas visited a hardcore sanctuary last week to take photos of the local DIY wildlife, according to…
SEATTLE — A local couple expecting their first child began to baby-proof their lifestyle earlier this month, requiring major alterations to their array of facial…
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Local women found conclusive evidence that God doesn’t know what they want, sources confirm, based on the existence of Chad Tuckers, the…
SEATTLE — The stages at this summer’s Warped Tour will be placed 100 feet away from the all-ages audience in order to comply with national…
NAPERVILLE, Ill. — The classic rock song “Don’t Stop the Rock” by the School of Hard Rocks is “rockin’ about how great rock music is,”…