BETHESDA, Md. — Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease, recently gave approval for venues to continue the common…
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — The local police department issued a public service announcement this morning warning the populace to be aware of dangerous anarchist activity downtown,…
CHICAGO — Aging goth Ashe Montresor is barely managing to push through their daily 170-minute ritual of applying the appropriate makeup to make them look…
SEATTLE — Local punk Jonathan “Johnny Balls” Denick has given full legal power of attorney to a dog with a bandana named Roscoe, according to…
WELLAND, Ontario — Local hardcore kid Jordan Trimble announced his intentions to destroy the only intact ceiling tile remaining in the Lion’s Club seconds before…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local son Austin Miller was held hostage for nearly 20 minutes this evening amid his father’s annual retelling of the time he…
MANHATTAN, Kan. — The roommates of lifelong punk Herbert “Sloshed” Stevens have learned to whisper and spell out the word “bath” when discussing their malodorous…
NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Jenny Fitzsimmons allowed her husband Alfred to remove the enigmatic green ribbon she’s worn around her neck since the first day…
WARRENTON, Va. — Local children were confused by the Halloween offerings of Mr. and Mrs. Owens, who handed out full-sized copies of Judge’s rare 1989…
GAINESVILLE, Fla — Volunteer security guards at The Fest accidentally let upward of 40 different guys who look like local music mainstay Chuck Ragan backstage…
MANCHESTER, N.H. — Dan Levitton, lead vocalist for touring hardcore band Weekend Proposal, told the “motherfuckers” in the back to “just, like, shut up for…