BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — A ceasefire has been reached after tense backstage negotiations at this weekend’s Battle of the Bands, confirmed relieved sources. “As fragile…
CANTON, Mass. — Observers of the cover art of Dio’s 1983 debut masterpiece “Holy Diver” collectively agreed that the priest depicted being whipped by a…
SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after he successfully completed his 42-year…
LOS ANGELES — Notorious rapper Kanye West apologized for his past controversial remarks about former President George W. Bush, confirmed sources. “I said some things…
DALLAS — Local man Dave Hensley is confident that his first date with Rachel Caldwell went well, despite talking about his favorite band, Steely Dan,…
BERKELEY, Calif. — Local punk Charles “Chuck” McCoy is adamant that everyone knows his hatred for hippies stems from a left-wing ideology, rather than a…
BOSTON — Local 46-year-old musician Tim Reddy of the seminal one-person noise/grind collective 5CrpseFckPrty complained that you could no longer whip out your schlong on…
JEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their faith and fandom, exhausted sources…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to justify his policy of mass deportations by claiming illegal immigrants are taking up the majority of all guest…
It’s 2025 and after over a decade of unchallenged mainstream hegemony, your hatred of Drake has been vindicated. Look, we all get it. After the…
LOS ANGELES — Local punk Corey Lambert awoke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after realizing that the devastating Los Angeles…
NEW YORK — Local crustie Joel McCaffrey was seen excitedly planning a romantic Valentine’s Day evening for his partner by leaving a trail of loose…
FORT WORTH, Texas — Local metal frontman Frank Fortibus inadvertently let out the best scream of his entire career during a call with customer service,…
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of the Interior recognized 34-year-old Rob Meszka of Louisville, Kentucky with the Citizen’s Award for Bravery after he took a…
Following years of penning autobiographical depictions of killing babies and stealing the toes and teeth of girls at Lovers Lane, Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig famously…