NEW YORK — Local one-hit wonder band Owl Tempest reportedly apologized today for failing their fans after only being able to produce one timeless masterpiece…
NEW YORK — Local fashionable and slim brothers John and Bob Bedword are sick of being mistaken for a synth pop duo at a local…
CHICAGO — Local shoegaze band The Distant Star announced that they were intending to perform a couple more songs, ruining the nights of dozens of…
LAWRENCE, Kan. — Employees of independent record store Tables Turned announced their coveted “Sexiest Woman Alive” award went to Lisa Loeb for the 29th consecutive…
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local punk Kevin Wilder admitted he was feeling slightly fatigued after he completed a 5K race during a circle pit during a…
If you’re around millennial age, chances are pretty high that you got home from school every day to find your mother watching the newest episode…
BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — A ceasefire has been reached after tense backstage negotiations at this weekend’s Battle of the Bands, confirmed relieved sources. “As fragile…
CANTON, Mass. — Observers of the cover art of Dio’s 1983 debut masterpiece “Holy Diver” collectively agreed that the priest depicted being whipped by a…
SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after he successfully completed his 42-year…
LOS ANGELES — Notorious rapper Kanye West apologized for his past controversial remarks about former President George W. Bush, confirmed sources. “I said some things…
DALLAS — Local man Dave Hensley is confident that his first date with Rachel Caldwell went well, despite talking about his favorite band, Steely Dan,…
BERKELEY, Calif. — Local punk Charles “Chuck” McCoy is adamant that everyone knows his hatred for hippies stems from a left-wing ideology, rather than a…
BOSTON — Local 46-year-old musician Tim Reddy of the seminal one-person noise/grind collective 5CrpseFckPrty complained that you could no longer whip out your schlong on…
JEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their faith and fandom, exhausted sources…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to justify his policy of mass deportations by claiming illegal immigrants are taking up the majority of all guest…