OSLO, Norway — Black metal band Frossen Ensomhet undertook a series of team-building church burning activities at the behest of their band therapist, sources report.…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local resident Calvin Davenport continues to experience unprecedented levels of euphoria nearly a decade after successfully recommending midwest emo band Dad Pants…
DES MOINES, Iowa — Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan reportedly resolved to hit a beer keg with his baseball bat at least 50 times a…
LOS ANGELES — A shocking new report by citizen journalist/unemployed man Gary Russo claims that skateboarder Tony Hawk did not actually write “Superman by Goldfinger,”…
ALBION, N.Y. — Local curmudgeon Hadwin McKlusky fell victim to a vicious prank played by neighborhood kids in which they placed a Red Hot Chili…
LA MESA, Calif. — Prolific thrash metal frontman Dave Mustaine started a rival retirement organization after being removed from the American Association of Retired Persons…
EATONTOWN, N.J. — Local man Brian Johanssen admitted that he is still grieving the loss of his favorite radio station despite the fact it went…
WASHINGTON — Ian MacKaye was recently spotted scrambling down a block, knocking over multiple children and old people who were in his path, in a…
PORTLAND, Ore. — The recent breakup between aspiring singer-songwriter Davy Briggs and girlfriend of two months Evelyn Hanna was deemed insufficiently traumatic to inspire a…
SAN DIEGO — Local indie noise band Static Teeth, which consists of just a drummer and a guitarist, left confused showgoers wondering if the duo…
HARTFORD, Conn. — Local metalhead and rabid Carcass fan Nick Patterson was shocked to learn that despite how it sounds, bloodwork is actually pretty boring,…
Punk Wishes He Had Gotten Tattoo of Alkaline Trio’s Heart Logo Instead of a Dog Shitting Razorblades
Punk Wishes He Had Gotten Tattoo of Alkaline Trio’s Heart Logo Instead of a Dog Shitting Razorblades
CHICAGO — Local punk Rikki Fedlimid felt remorseful after getting a tattoo of a dog shitting razorblades to show his love for pop punk mainstays…
SEATTLE – Christmas carolers and members of local black metal band Kirkeråte only reached three houses before succumbing to the urge to kill one another,…
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Pop punk violinists around the nation are still patiently waiting for their instrument’s popularity in the scene to explode following the “Ocean…
SAN MATEO, Calif. – President-elect Donald Trump announced via Truth Social his intention to remove “any and all” federal protections for the near-extinct Aquabats. “It’s…