One day, after black mass, a parishioner approached the high priest with a troubled look in his eyes. “High Master Abyzou, I sometimes feel that…
BERLIN — German Chancellor Angela Merkel signed a controversial bill into law today, no longer requiring the government-funded Gesetzliche Krankenversicherung insurance system to cover sex…
DENVER — Portland-based funeral/doom band Bell Witch are reportedly still playing the first show of their 2017 tour several years after their allotted 45-minute set,…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local metalhead Eddie “Pitch Black” Keil is worried today that his color blindness may have led him to purchase the wrong Baroness…
CHICAGO — Attendees of this year’s Prog-A-Thon Talent Metal Festival were confused to see Dream Theater drummer Mike Portnoy playing on a separate, much bigger…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Mayhem cover band Freezing Moon were found dead only a day before they were supposed to headline a local black metal festival,…
ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local metalhead Ron Stevens announced today that an old Dokken T-shirt will be headlining his upcoming Goodwill donation box, excited sources…
DENVER — A song by local fantasy metal band Ölüm is reportedly not even close to being over, despite entering its sixth minute a few…
ATLANTA — A flyer posted on the corkboard of Criminal Records announced that local metal band Fierce Fire is holding auditions for a new guitarist,…
GRAYSLAKE, Ill. — Metal fans and cosplay enthusiasts had no idea that a city administrator for the Lake County Fairgrounds accidentally double-booked the Northern Illinois…
Maybe it’s unfair to blame Slayer for their fans’ wild, destructive behavior but it is an undisputed fact that every single Slayer fan is an…
LEIPZIG, Germany — Thrash metal stalwarts Anthrax are “pretty surprised” to be considered one of thrash metal’s “legendary Big Four,” the band members admitted backstage…
WASHINGTON — Presidents Donald Trump and Bill Clinton both denied reports today claiming they were backstage at Warped Tour ’97 partying and “checking out the…
BECKETT RIDGE, Ohio — Suburban punk Adam Kincaid spotted yesterday an unopened, full price and unexpired package of Sargento string cheese at his friend’s house,…
RIDGEWOOD, N.Y. — Music fan Peter Brooks still can not determine if the Kapos, a punk band he recently discovered, harbors racist views, despite multiple…