BUFFALO, N.Y. — Metal band Beneath the Bottomless Pit added blond-haired guitarist Kevin Slater to their line-up yesterday, fulfilling a diversity initiative mandated by their…
“Love in an Elevator” is a song by Aerosmith that appeared on their 1989 album “Pump.” If you are asking why in God’s name we’re…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local hooligan and member of the San Jose punk scene Todd Bettina was severely electrocuted yesterday after mistakenly trying to siphon…
POWAY, Calif. — Middle-aged man Jamie Lopez suddenly realized yesterday that he may be finally maturing after putting back a box of the sugary, marshmallow-filled…
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Every member of seminal hair metal band Mötley Crüe have, several times a year, thought back to an anonymous woman who exposed…
Six years ago, we took up the ambitious project of ranking every punk song ever recorded: a colossal catalog spanning five decades and over a…
SAN FRANCISCO — Music aficionado and frontman for alternative metal band Faith No More, Mike Patton, admitted today that he just doesn’t understand why so…
Everyone on planet Earth knows “Mambo No. 5.” Even if you were merely an egg in your mother’s womb at the time, you heard it…
ISLIP, N.Y. — Everything Done in Latin frontman Lawrence Joseph has lost interest in the band he’s been part of for 15 years after the…
LOS ANGELES — Legendary metal band Goop has reunited after seven years apart to release a boring, flavorless craft beer dubbed “Goop Soup,” disappointed fans…
MOFFAT, Colo. — The entire local punk scene of a small town in southern Colorado is named Denise Killian, age 27, a lone source reports.…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden purchased a Fender Jazzmaster and green Line 6 DL4 delay pedal yesterday in a transparent effort to…
Boy, is my life in shambles these days. I just got promoted to district manager of Omega Printz and it’s been a huge disaster. Not…
MASPETH, N.Y. — Skull Valley frontman Jeremy Cesiro is worried his underage girlfriend would be put in danger by her returning to high school in…
Like most Americans, we spent our time quarantined catching up on podcasts, learning to cook (shoutout my sourdough starter), and plotting how to get back…