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My DIY, Inclusive, All-Ages Venue Is for Everybody. Here Are Its Incredibly Specific Set of Rules

In this day and age it can be increasingly difficult to find a good show space where everybody is welcome. Most bars and clubs are age-restricted and lots of them are neglecting live original music in favor of DJs or cover bands. Let’s not also forget all inconsiderate showgoers who act aggressively or drink too much.

With that, I’d like to tell you about The Underground- Seattle’s hottest music venue that used to be a dog grooming salon. The Underground stands for diversity, inclusion, and the DIY spirit, and I’ve painstakingly assembled a precise list of rules to keep it that way.

Crowd safety is important to us, so aggressive forms dancing such as moshing, stage-diving, and jazz hands are vehemently prohibited. The last one seems out of place, yes, but last month we experienced what my lawyer informs me I should only refer to as “the jazz hands incident” so that’s gotta go too.

The Underground is a completely dry venue. To ensure that concert-goers have not been drinking or using drugs beforehand, our crack team of clinicians will breathalyze and urine-test attendees at the door. If you do seek refreshments, we have a small snack bar that serves carbonated water and an allergen-free paste.

Also, all shows are pay-what-you-can with a suggested donation. Due to the high operating costs of hiring professionally trained drug clinicians, our suggested donation is $65.

Related: How a DIY Asymmetrical Haircut Helped Me Eliminate My White Privilege

 

This of course just scratches the surface. Check our Tumblr page to see the remaining 87 rules and regulations. I’ve been informed by some that the sheer number of rules is “pointlessly massive” and that their specificity is “borderline fascist,” but I assure you fascists don’t have this many rules.

I hope you will enjoy a show soon, and try not to get too distracted by the heavy police presence. The “jazz hands incident” is still under intense investigation.

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