If you’ve ever been to a concert or even seen one on television you know that backstage is a mythical area full of wonders and underpaid roadies great and small. But it’s not a place for everyone. Only a select few fans, friends, and winners of wet t-shirt contests find themselves getting to step behind the velvet curtains. No one can promise you a spot backstage, but here’s a handy guide on What To Expect When You’re Expecting To Get Backstage.
1. You’re Not Going To Get Backstage
Don’t believe for one freaking second that you’re getting backstage! Hate to break it to you, kid, but it’s not gonna happen. I mean, just look at yourself. Look at what you’re wearing. Does that look like the type of outfit that’s gonna catch the lead singer’s eye? No. Of course not. Even the tambourine player is ashamed to look at you. It’s not gonna happen. Yeah, we know your buddy claims the drummer is his old college roommate and you guys are covered. Well, it turns out the drummer never really liked your buddy in college and he doesn’t like you either. Now, step aside, the girl who won the wet t-shirt contest is coming through.
Fact: Bouncers are mammals and give less than a fuck about you
2. All The Good Snacks Will Already Be Gone
Okay you little shit, you pulled it off. Congrats. I didn’t think you had it in you. I hope you ate before the show because there aren’t any good snacks left in the green room. You better develop a taste for baby carrots and fat free ranch because the band already ate those delicious ribs from the local barbeque joint. What, did you think you were going to dip some Kettle Brand chips into the spinach artichoke dip? Maybe if you showed up a little sooner, like someone who belongs here. I think there’s some gum left under the table, help yourself asshole.
Fact: A cashew found on the ground can sustain the average adult for nearly 36 minutes
3. You Cannot Participate In The Orgy
You step into the green room and the musky scent of carnal pleasures engulfs you instantly. In the center of the room, the coffee table has been pushed aside and a writhing pile of glistening flesh entices you. You tug off your shirt and pants and are shimmying out of your ill-fitting underwear when a bouncer stops you. “Credentials, please”. You thought the V.I.P. backstage pass was enough? Not at this venue. Pick up your clothes and go sit on the couch. You’re only permitted to watch this devilish display of delicious hedonism.
Fact: This was your one chance to be in an orgy and you blew it
4. You’ll Never See Your Loved Ones Again
The moment you stepped backstage you entered a time loop that you will never exit. You will spend infinity trapped in a hallway, trying to make it to the green room. Sayonara, sucker! It’s like The Twilight Zone, only one of the shitty ones where there’s no morality lesson or anything just someone getting fucked with for no reason forever.
Fact: Your body will make a suitable host for King Paimon. Hail Paimon!
Those are just some of the things you can expect when trying to get backstage! Good luck, and remember, you’ve always been here!