For generations dinosaurs have fascinated humans, but our perception of these prehistoric creatures has been severely warped by pop culture. None more so than the supposed reptilian apex predator the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
But recently a group of paleontologists have proposed that the great and imposing T-Rex, long thought to be a ferocious and terrifying killing machine, was in fact a sensual, effortlessly cool and hot-as-hell super hunk.
“The tiny arms, the beady eyes and come hither stare, and a tail that was roughly 20 ft. flaccid. In terms of sex appeal, the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the total package,” said Paleontologist Dr. Emily Root. “We knew previously that the T-Rex was attractive, but recently discovered fossils indicate the dinosaur had, among other desirable attributes, a significant amount of butt meat. To put it bluntly, they THICC.”
Dr. Root also lamented that the scaly seductiveness of the T-Rex is rarely portrayed in pop culture, aside from a handful of movies and television shows.
“The real Tyrannosaurus Rex had much more in common with Robbie, the letterman jacket and sunglasses-sporting teen from Jim Henson’s Dinosaurs than it’s gruesome Jurassic Park counterpart. As for personality, T-Rex’s cranial capacity indicates it was gruff yet tender, like the talking dino cop Theodore Rex.”
Despite recent evidence, some scientists disagree with the “disturbing” sexualizing of Rex.
“Frankly, I find the idea that T-Rex was sexy to be disgusting,” said paleontologist Glen Chapman. “In my scientific opinion, Rex had too much Jurassic ass. I prefer a slender dinosaur, like a Dilophosaurus.”
While experts disagree as to which dinosaur is the sexiest, every scientist we spoke with conceded that paleontology was established strictly for the purpose of exploring dino-human sexual fantasies. And while Chapman similarly noted that few works of pop culture explore this aspect of paleontology, he did point out a scene from 1993’s Jurassic Park in which Dr. Alan Grant comforts a sickly triceratops “and then goes buck wild on her backyard.”
“Spielberg and Sam Neill even filmed it, but the cowards at Universal cut everything but a post-coital Grant laying his head against the horned dino’s belly. I assure you, Jurassic Park’s cutting room floor is rife with full on man to triceratops penetration.”
The jury may still be out regarding the T-Rex’s appearance, but one thing is for sure – all paleontologists are disgusting freaks that want to have sex with dinosaurs.