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Husker DüS and Husker DöN’ts: A Guide to Office Culture Now That You’ve Finally Given Up

Look, I can go back to playing in a band whenever I want, OK? Sure, maybe being the lead singer of Crucial Logic wasn’t covering my monthly payments for my Ford Taurus, or my rent, or anything, really, but this job is only temporary. I can go back to rocking whenever I want. But for now, here’s some tips on how to get by in your new office job that you’ll probably work until you’re old and die. But not me. My band’s gonna take off any day now.

Husker Dü:

Remind everyone in the office that you’re not some mindless drone sellout like the rest of them. You’ve read Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk, so you know that you’re not defined by your khakis. OK, maybe you’ve seen the movie based on the book Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk, but you totally get it.

Husker Dön’t:

Ruin the ending of Fight Club. Some people haven’t seen it and they need to experience its brilliance for the very first time.

Husker Dü:

Leave copies of your band’s demo laying around the office so your coworkers will ask you about it, and then, yeah, sure, I guess you can play a song or two for them and tell them about how your band would’ve gotten to open for Nirvana if Nirvana had still been around in 2011.

Husker Dön’t:

Learn anyone’s names, don’t make any friends. You’re gonna be here, one, two, five years absolute max. Then you are fucking right back on track to follow your dreams. So why waste any time making plans to see the new Transformers with what’s-his-ass from the mailroom?

Related: I’m Not Even Going to Bother Explaining I’m a Scene Legend to My Co-Workers

Husker Dü:

Repeatedly mention that this isn’t, like, your career, man. You’ve got all kinds of cool shit you’re gonna do with your life, so why let being 35 stand in your way? Plenty of bands that made it wasted their 20s, compromised in their early 30s, and then found success in their 40s.

Husker Dön’t:

Keep a pair of scissors at your desk. Sometimes the bad thoughts show up when you’re in the middle of filing reports: If you haven’t made it by now, you’re probably not going to, why not just end it all and open your wrists up by the water cooler? Who’s gonna miss you? You’re still telling that dumb, “we could’ve opened for Nirvana story” for fuck’s sake. Push those thoughts down, this job is the only thing you’ve ever been good at. Dig in and maybe you can be middle management before you hit 37. The benefits are good, the pay is solid, and you already have your own parking space, it could be worse.

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