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Help!: I Talked The Crust Punk Cult I Started Into Giving Me All Their Earthly Possessions and Now I Just Have Pile of Over-Sized Brown Backpacks And Three Dogs Named Darby

I don’t understand how I got burned like this! I put everything I had into this cult so I could take everything my followers had and somehow I have way less than I started with!

I did my research! The current trend in cult building is to recruit within an already established subculture, flip a few upper echelon members of said group, and let the already existing social structure do the work for you! When I realized just how big the punk scene in my community was I thought “Perfect!” It seemed too good to be true! I saw this huge scene comprised of people who were young, dejected by mainstream society, and impressionable. In cult building, we call that ‘the big three.’

So how the hell did my gold mine turn out to be literally a pile of fleas and bed bugs?

Serves me right for not checking these peoples credit scores before stealing their identities.

Related: 5 Tax Write Offs Most Crust Punks Miss

I don’t get it. I figured these kids must have loads of money! Look at how many tattoos they all have! How is it so many of these people can be walking around with 5 grand worth of ink and not have bank accounts?

So far I’ve convinced about 2 dozen crust punks to sign their earthly possessions over to me. Let’s take inventory:

A pile of over sized brown backpacks. Most of these contain clothes too smelly to wear but too tattered to survive the washing machine. Some of them contain smaller, dirtier brown backpacks.
Three dogs named Darby, none of whom actually respond to that name and all of whom have diabetes for some reason.
Half of an American Spirit cigarette.

And the worst part is I can’t even exploit them for labor! How am I supposed to start a sustainable compound when half of my followers are on tour and the other half always want their shifts covered so they can go support their friends on tour!

Well, at least no ones done the math to figure out I can’t really be the reincarnation of GG Allin.