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WHOA THERE BROTHER, THAT DUDE IS A LITTLE TOO SMALL TO PLAY THE HULKSTER

YA KNOW SOMETHIN’ MEAN GENE, I JUST GOT WORD FROM ALL THE MANIACS THAT THE AMERICAN HERO, THE IMMORTAL HULK HOGAN, IS GONNA BE PLAYED BY THAT JABRONI CHRIS HEMSWORTH IN THE GREATEST SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SINCE SANTA WITH MUSCLES AND THAT AIN’T GONNA FLY, JACK.

HEMSWORTH MAY HAVE BEEN IN A COUPLE POPCORN FLICKS, BUT IF WE’RE TALKIN’ ABOUT THE BLOCKBUSTER MEGA STAR HOLLYWOOD HOGAN, LEADING MAN OF SUCH FILMS AS MR. NANNY, THIS CAPTAIN AMERICA GUY AIN’T EVEN IN THE SAME SQUARED CIRCLE AS MR. AMERICA, DUDE. I FEAR NO MAN, NO BEAST NOR EVIL, BROTHER, BUT NOTHING SCARES THIS ANONYMOUS HULKAMANIAC MORE THAN THE THOUGHT OF SEEING THE 24 INCH PYTHONS UNDERREPRESENTED ON THE SILVER SCREEN, MAN.

NOW, OBVIOUSLY I DON’T KNOW MR. HOGAN PERSONALLY, BUT THERE’S NOTHING IN THE WORLD AS HEROIC AS WHEN THE LARGEST ARMS IN THE WORLD HAVE HULKED UP, AND NOTHING MORE FRIGHTENING THAN WHEN THEY’VE SET THEIR SIGHTS ON YOU, BROTHER,  AND WHEN IT’S TIME FOR HULKAMANIA TO RUN WILD, THAT’S SOMETHING NO AMOUNT OF TRAINING CAN PREPARE YOU FOR, HEMSWORTH. HE JUST DON’T GOT THE CHARISMA OR THE ACTING CHOPS TO PORTRAY THE HULKSTER, JACK. IF YOU REALLY THINK A VANILLA MIDGET LIKE THAT COULD PLAY THE MAN THAT SLAMMED THE 7’4, 520 POUND ANDRE THE GIANT IN A SOLD OUT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN IN FRONT OF 90,000 STARK RAVIN’ HULKAMANIACS WITH THAT LACK OF BULK, YOU GOT ANOTHER THING COMIN’, BROTHER.

IT’S TIME TO FACE THE FACTS, JACK. HEMSWORTH HAS NEVER BEEN A SIX TIME WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, HE COULDN’T POSE HIS WAY OUT OF A CARDBOARD BAG AS OPPOSED TO THE HULKSTER WHO’S FLEXED HIS WAY ACROSS ALL 50 STATES IN FRONT OF LEGIONS OF HULKAMANIACS THROUGHOUT THE GALAXY, HE WASN’T IN SUBURBAN COMMANDO, AND HE NEVER SLAMMED THE 20’20, 6,000,000 POUND ANDRE THE GIANT IN A SOLD OUT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN IN FRONT OF 10,000,000 STARK RAVIN’ HULKAMANIACS, DUDE. IF THE HULKSTER WASN’T SO BUSY PLAYING BASS IN METALLICA YOU KNOW HE’D BE ABLE TO PIN THAT PRETTY BOY JUST LIKE HE WOULD HAVE EASILY BEAT IRON MIKE TYSON IF HE HAD AGREED TO THAT EXHIBITION MATCH, BROTHER.

I KNOW ALL MY FELLOW HULKAMANIACS OUT THERE AGREE THAT THE BIG MAN DESERVES BETTER TREATMENT FROM THOSE COASTAL CLOWNS IN HOLLYWOOD, AND THE SUITS NEED TO WISEN UP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT TO THE CEO OF THE WORLD FAMOUS FAST CASUAL ITALIAN EATERY, PASTAMANIA,  AND STAR OF SUCH FILMS AS THE 3 NINJAS: HIGH NOON AT MEGA MOUNTAIN, BROTHER. THE HULKSTER’S A NATIONAL TREASURE, JACK, AND WE’RE NOT ACTIN’ LIKE IT IF SOME NO PUMP CHUMP LIKE CHRIS HEMSWORTH WHO’S NEVER ATE A PRAYER OR SAID A VITAMIN IN HIS LIFE IS REPRESENTING THUNDER LIPS HIMSELF, DUDE.

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