PHILADELPHIA — An anonymous protestor sporting a distinctive mohawk, dozens of gold chains, and American flag Zubaz pants was spotted yesterday toppling the Rocky Balboa movie prop statue from the film “Rocky III,” relieved and tourist-hating Philadelphians confirmed.
“Look at this bronze fool — it’s a paper statue. I’m gonna beat this monument like a dog. A dog! My prediction for the future of that statue? Pain,” the mohawked man shouted at the inanimate statue as countless demonstrators cheered him on. “I saw your movie ‘Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot.’ This bum don’t even treat his momma right. No respect, no class. You comin’ down, sucka.”
Other protestors quickly realized the mohawked man was not associated with the push to remove Confederate statues, and seemingly had a personal vendetta against the fictional Italian boxer.
“At first I was glad to see someone defacing that bullshit Rocky statue — why is there a monument to a made-up white boxer, and not Philly’s real-life champ, Joe Frazier? But when I offered to help, the mohawk guy screamed, ‘Quit your jibber-jabber, stay in school, and grab that rope, fool,’” said protestor Alicia Villegas. “I tried my hardest to yank it off its bolts, but it was really difficult with a grown man telling me incessantly to believe in myself and avoid drugs. Eventually I gave up and left. The guy screamed something about pitying me, but I couldn’t make out the rest.”
Actor Sylvester Stallone, who gifted Philadelphia the statue city officials begrudgingly accepted, was saddened by the news.
“It’s a real shame to see protestors destroying monuments to great Americans like Robert E. Lee, Christopher Columbus, and of course, me, you know? Luckily, I’ve got about 12 or so backup bronze statues of Rocky, and I’m shipping one to the Philadelphia Museum of Art as we speak,” said Stallone. “The city didn’t return my calls, but I’m sure they’re thrilled.”
Unfortunately, the mohawked protestor was injured after accidentally pulling the two-ton statue down on his right leg. Paramedics attempted to airlift the man to nearby Jefferson Hospital, but were forced to sedate him via tranquilizer-spiked milk due to the alleged vandalizer’s intense fear of flying.