HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Former crust punk Howie Benson searched in vain earlier today for a way to hide his old, shitty tattoos before a mandatory…
WASHINGTON — Republicans are drafting a new Obamacare replacement bill that includes a clause removing children from their parents’ Netflix account after the age of…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Heavily pierced punk Kevin Avery has trapped a local woman in an unending, one-sided conversation, revealing a horrifying slew of opinions, according…
We have a problem in this country, an unfair immigration system that forces immigrants to risk their lives sneaking across the border, work jobs that…
DURHAM, N.C. — High school teacher Eddie Dunn was named “coolest teacher in school” in the Mount Hills Senior High yearbook superlatives last year for…
PHILADELPHIA — Local pet owner Dylan Murphy could not find a suitable adoptive home for his beloved pet cockatoo last week, despite incessantly screaming “FREE…
NEW YORK —Local punk Jeremy Spencer has spent the last 20 years putting Hitler mustaches on pictures of US presidents. But today, for the first…
NEW YORK — President Trump promised this morning to bring five of the “best and loudest” dog whistle factories back to American soil, during a confrontational…
The figurative dust has not yet settled on Charlottesville, Virginia, where Heather Heyer, a counter-protester to an evil white supremacist march, was tragically murdered by…
MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Local stoner metal band Soundmurder are making “painful” sacrifices to accommodate a tedious, sober search for a new day job following their…
DENVER — Semi-professional photographer Dennis Bachmann stands accused this morning of overenthusiastically supporting same-sex female relationships, according to multiple creeped out sources. Allegations spread after…
WASHINGTON — California Rep. Adam Schiff announced earlier today via livestream from the Democratic Party Twitter account that his party now has nearly enough tweets…
TACOMA, Wash. — Despite his rigorous touring schedule, guitarist Marcus Lorenez still finds time to be an “inconsiderate and neglectful” member of his household, according…
DENVER — Everyone at the Death Head show last night definitely noticed you were there all by yourself, and it was “pretty fucking pathetic,” according…
Rescue Workers Called to Free Over 900 Instagram Users Caught In Thirst Trap
MENLO PARK, Calif. — Instagram officials were forced to call in rescue workers this past weekend after a Thirst Trap claimed over 900 users, according…