WASHINGTON — Average consumers are feeling the pinch both metaphorically and literally as rising gas prices have resulted in them having to give up twice…
QUINCY, Mass. – Neighborhood staple Al’s Market won an online poll for “Best Local Sandwich Spot,” despite strong evidence of it being a front for…
BOCA RATON, Fla. — Local man Patrick Miller prepared an unwilling audience for a lengthy racist anecdote, assuring everyone that he and his friends’ ignorant…
PITTSFIELD, Mass. — Sketchies, a newly opened marijuana dispensary, is getting rave reviews by selling weed out of backpacks in their parking lot as a…
HAMPTON, Va. — Some stupid-ass bitch with her head up her ass who cut me off coming down Jefferson just pulled into the animal shelter…
CRAIG, Colo. — Local punk Kenneth Dieter instinctively snuck into a show despite there being no cover charge to enter, sources who urged him to…
RICHMOND, Va. — Several medical reports released early this morning state that any and all injuries sustained after the age of 25 will be with…
EUGENE, Ore. — Roommates and known stoners Lilia Huerta and Sam Khan reportedly witnessed Kate Bush in the form of a stray piece of thread…
PALMDALE, Calif. — Local fuel sniffer, Seth Carr, purchased several grams of heavily cut cocaine in response to historically high gas prices and the need…
TORONTO — Concert goers were left baffled last night when drummer Gareth McGibbons of mathcore band Hyde Index burst into flames during the band’s second…
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Southern woman and recreational drug user Darlene Abbot reportedly refers to every amphetamine or stimulant simply as “coke,” citing cultural norms and…
CHATTANOOGA — Local three-year-old Joseph Rhoades is finally getting some goddamn respect in his household after finding his father’s semi-automatic handgun behind a bookshelf in…
MONTREAL — Members of the pop-punk Simple Plan are having an existential crisis after realizing that life never really stopped being a nightmare as they…
LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences handed out the awards for Best Film Editing and several other utterly meaningless categories…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Local musician Bort “Borty” Giancarlo was observed introducing his long-term girlfriend and creative collaborator Anna Paloma as his bandmate, according to touring…