Portland, Ore. — Local woman Rachel Vance claims that if she had a cartoon counterpart it would be the sarcastic, intelligent Daria Morgendorffer, despite ample…
DALLAS — Skeptical show-goers recently expressed dissatisfaction following the realization that venue parking fees are more expensive than their ticket of admission. “I’ve been waiting…
HYANNIS, Mass. — Local man Eddie Whitman surprised mourners at the funeral of his “best friend” Andreas Pimentel by relitigating the Myspace “Top 8” order…
WASHINGTON — A new report from the Food and Drug Administration confirmed that the rate of teenagers rhyming the word “cigarette” with the words “night…
LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix CEO Reed Hastings announced earlier this week that the streaming platform lost 200,000 monthly viewers last quarter, which amounted to…
OGDEN, Utah — Open-minded cop Dennis Alvarez took several minutes to carefully weigh both sides of a fictional narrative he crafted inside his own head…
TOLEDO, Ohio. – Local goth office worker Todd Schmidt admitted privately that he is secretly craving a slice of the delicious Funfetti birthday cake that’s…
DERA ISMAIL KHAN SUBDIVISION, Pakistan – Militant extremist group Al-Qaeda, the terrorist cell responsible for the 9/11 attacks, claimed to be the forces behind musician…
BOULDER, Colo. — A recent report conducted by a string of irritated citizens shows that the nation’s parks are already filled with assholes, dumbasses, and…
VALRICO, Fla. — According to reports coming out of the Shamrock Shopping Center Goodwill store, local marijuana enthusiast Travis Cross has reportedly found another thing…
SENECA FALLS, N.Y. — Local grocery store shift manager, Jane Nerrow, is suspicious as to why several of her employees claimed the odd smell they…
BOULDER, Colo. — Potheads across the country are leaving out Funyuns and Shasta for the weed delivery guy as he brings marijuana to all the…
LOS ANGELES — Producers and directors tasked with creating a new batch of reboots were left scrambling to find new ways to express tone in…
LOS ANGELES — A discouraged Hans Zimmer closed out the GarageBand tab on his long-delayed ska album to begin work on another stupid movie score…