BALTIMORE — Relatives of recently deceased punk Bryan Allen decided to postpone the beginning of his funeral until a few more mourners show up, sources…
CHICAGO — Local couple Nicole Vario and Peter Brooks opted to stay together as the mere idea of dating caused both of them to become…
PARIS — Kanye West continued to cause a stir at Paris Fashion Week when he followed up his controversial “White Lives Matter” shirt with a…
IRVINE, Calif. — Susy Q’s, a new ‘50s-themed diner, opened its doors recently, revealing a shocking rockabilly presence within the city to the crowd attending…
SHERIDAN, Wyo. — Elder millennial Connor Allison suffered an existential crisis upon realizing the actor playing a “geriatric old fart” in one of his favorite…
WHEELING, W. VA — Aging punk roommate Dennis “Onion” Wilkins ritualistically bequeathed the key that allows them to steal toilet paper from Wendy’s to his…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local tattoo artists are preparing for a huge wave of clients requesting the absolute stupidest, dumbshit tattoos possible in the wake of…
PHILADELPHIA — A black Roomba S-694 autonomous robotic vacuum cleaner is, in fact, the only tenant in a local punk house with a job, according…
PHOENIX — Local punk Frankie “Bullet” Higgins is quietly and privately working through the trauma of leaving his Yellow American Spirits sitting in the scorching…
WASHINGTON — Viral TikTok sensation “Tariq the Corn Kid” shocked fans and political insiders alike after accepting a lucrative lobbying position on behalf of Agriculture…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Fans of the late, exceptionally talented rapper Coolio spent the last 12 hours muttering the lyrics they can remember to his hit…
CORVALLIS, Ore. — Local punk band No Thank You took a quick breather in the middle of their set to promote their sponsors Blue Apron…
LOS ANGELES — Archibald Van Heusen III’s shock upon seeing a guest in full punk regalia at a Getty Museum fundraiser caused his monocle to…
DETROIT – Local band Affirmation Rising revealed that their traditional pre-show huddle mainly consists of prayers that serious allegations about them don’t come out, confirmed…