NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Local muralist Tyler Vantucci recently declared himself “New Jersey sober,” a lifestyle he describes as “totally clean, except for found cigarettes,…
GILLETTE, Wyo. — Local hipster LDS adherent Rafter Barlow, who prefers the term “Josephite” over “Mormon,” is a faithful servant of god, a loyal church…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to further quell any protests about his immigration policy by releasing thousands of AI-generated photos of himself on Facebook…
NEW YORK — Columbia University agreed to re-hire several prominent phrenologists in a bid to quell President Trump’s threat of federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.…
PHILADELPHIA — Local 39-year-old Dwight Jenkins went on a series of tirades decrying “Gen Z’s endless string of luck” and is a little jealous that…
LOS ANGELES — A leaked memo from high-ranking law enforcement officials encouraged officers on the street tasked with confronting protesters to “Picture them as your…
NEW YORK — President Donald Trump vowed to bring sweatshops back to the US by reverting chic loft apartments, confirmed uneasy sources. “We’re going to…
WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex…
GREENVILLE, N.C. — Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Donaldson announced plans to expand his empire into the pharmaceutical market with new Plan B-eastables emergency contraceptive pills, sources…
NASHVILLE — Veteran line cook Gerry Powell insisted on blaring music through his shattered iPhone 5 by placing it inside of a stainless steel cambro…
WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance lashed out at working-class Americans today criticizing their inability to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and find an…
ABINGTON, Mass. — Local man Mike Horrigan declared he was living an Orwellian nightmare after dropping all his expensive Apple products into a freshly used…
BOSTON — Lifelong fan of MTV News commercial segments Randy Colefell found himself going to see thrash metal legends Megadeth just to hear the opening…
WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance can barely conceal his excitement at the prospect of getting “Two whole Christmases!” this year in light of the…
BELVEDERE, Ill. — Self-described ‘ultraMAGA patriot’ Gill Stevenson relentlessly criticized Greta Thunberg as she makes another attempt to bring aid to Gaza, according to sources.…