WASHINGTON — President Trump added a new addendum to the COVID-19 relief bill passed by Congress yesterday, prohibiting American women who he feels are “carrying…
MARQUETTE, Mich. — Local resident Jessica Stabley recently watched 85 episodes of a television series she doesn’t even like, purely due to quarantine-induced boredom, sources…
PITTSBURGH — Your ex-boyfriend Jake Doherty’s new girlfriend, Sara Michaels, will receive the vaccine for the novel coronavirus before you, placing hundreds of millions of…
PORTLAND, Maine — Poland Spring executives announced yesterday that they will re-release their flagship, original recipe water for the first time in over 100 years…
MADISON, Wis. — The breakout Netflix show “The Queen’s Gambit” has reportedly inspired millions of young girls around the globe to take up chess for…
LOS ANGELES — A 10-minute exercise in mindful meditation for musician and Trader Joe’s crew member Adrienne Tuckman evolved into a full blown episode of…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local ghost Cece Quinn is reportedly unreachable unless specifically summoned with a name-brand Ouija board, and promises their contacts extra time if…
ATLANTA — Local writer and amateur philosopher Alex Garfield is still questioning the meaning of life today after receiving an email last week that simply…
LOS ANGELES — 35-year-old self-described “Dashboard Confessional superfan” David Calva awoke today to find his male-pattern baldness went into overdrive, leaving his hair everywhere. “The…
NEW YORK — The former members of TLC confirmed a long-held suspicion today that their 1999 hit single “No Scrubs” was written about “Full House”…
HOUSTON — A punk house collapsed yesterday after the eviction of roommate Luis Flores, who it appears was a load-bearing, structurally integral element of the…
PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Local inebriated man Kevin Donaghue drank a few sips of water before bed moments ago in an effort to dilute the many…