FILLMORE, Minn. — Researchers confirmed today that crust punk James “Pyrofuck” Polinita is officially the first human completely immune to Chronic Wasting Disease — popularly…
MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Local police conducted a raid on the home of popular YouTube personality Matthew “MatPat” Patrick yesterday evening, reportedly finding the Game…
ROUND ROCK, Texas — Interactive storytelling fans were disappointed this week by a new choose-your-own-adventure novel that promised the opportunity to see through the eyes…
BRISTOL, Va. — The Eyeballs frontman Mike D’Ontario reportedly asked the opening act at a local show last night if he could borrow their setlist…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Researchers at Harvard University have concluded that 90 percent of new songs are not attempts at a legitimate musical work, but actually…
GREEN BAY, Wis. — Local poser Adam Luis-Meyers narrowly reached the end moments ago of a two-hour long conversation about an album he’s never actually…
CLEVELAND — Metalhead Tom Stanza was deeply perplexed yesterday by the ambiguous review of metal band Gorefucker’s newest album Toxic Cum, confused sources confirmed. “First…
So many beloved musicians are being outed as terrible people. The reputations of these musicians are tarnished to the point where no one can enjoy…
Romance is dead and millennials killed it. Gone are the days of excitement, spontaneity, and fidelity. Instead, the “me me me” generation seeks out instant…
Tired of bad grammar? We are to. Weather it’s on the internet, on exams or in articles even sometimes, bad grammar is annoying. It is…
When I was a kid, I believed in the American dream. That I could one day be all I ever wanted to be in this…
DALLAS — Local punk and father of three Andrew Semple reportedly allowed his underage son Andy, Jr. the privilege of sharing “just one” huff of…
VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Music journalist and human serviette Nardwuar surprised unknown Canadian musician Randall Hartford with a rare, unreleased recording of his funeral, stunned…
PHILADELPHIA — Management at the Dust Bucket DIY venue proudly announced yesterday the opening of a new, gender-neutral spot on the property’s neighboring fence for…
I Went Back in Time to Kill Hitler but He’s Already Dead in 1970 so Now I’m Just Really Into Cocaine
I Went Back in Time to Kill Hitler but He’s Already Dead in 1970 so Now I’m Just Really Into Cocaine
After 25 years of work, I finally completed my time machine. The years of sketching, measuring, assembling, and testing, the millions of dollars I sunk…
