42-Year-Old Man Descending into Spiral of Increasingly Comforting Sleepytime Teas

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local 42-year-old man Marshall Reese is descending into a nightmarish, unending spiral of increasingly comforting sleepytime teas, unable to prevent himself from sinking into a morass of melatonin and herbal compounds, according to sources.

“Marshall used to indulge in a mug of sleepytime tea every now and then,” said his longtime girlfriend Kelli Murillo while she glumly stared at a garbage can piled high with empty tea cartons. “Just like anyone else, he enjoyed occasionally sitting in a nightshirt in an overstuffed armchair by a roaring fire, but now he’s hitting the teabag hard. I can’t remember the last time he wasn’t riding an echinacea high or jonesing for his next cup of sinus soother wellness. It’s terrible to look into the eyes of someone you love and see nothing but chill, peaceful vibes.”

Jonathan Chelnez, an employee at Chicago’s TeaPourium, has been observing Reese’s fall into a state of chamomile-dependent madness for months.

“That guy comes in every single day reeking of last night’s tilia flowers and fiending for whatever new blends we have on the shelf,” said Chelnez. “Biotin beauty, lavender langour, fucking variety packs. If that guy wasn’t always so tranquil and serene because of the gallons of sleepytime that he had surging through his system like a hurricane of restfulness, he would have been a nightmare. To be honest, that degenerate was actually really easy to deal with. May God have mercy on his soul.”

Corrina Espinoza Abelar, an addiction counselor, says that many factors can result in someone like Reese falling into a perpetual cycle of sleepytime tea, uninterrupted REM cycles, and torment.

“So many people like Mr. Reese think that they can dance with the sleepy dragon and come out unharmed,” said Abelar. “But, in truth, it is not the sleepytime tea that is addicting. We all hold within us the innate human desire to be an anthropomorphized bear wearing a snood and falling asleep in a cozy cottage while soothing music plays from an old-fashioned radio. It is part of an inescapable, ineffable desire that has been within humanity since our earliest cave paintings of sleepy bears and the psilocybin mushroom broths that we brewed to try to take on their skins. In many ways, Mr. Reese is not falling into a nightmare– instead, he is waking into mankind’s oldest dream.”

As of press time, Reese had reportedly woken up from a nap to urinate for the third time.

Shocked Trump Could Have Sworn South African President Died in Prison

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — President Trump left his meeting with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa visibly shaken and confused after admitting he thought the leader died in prison in the 1980s, White House aides confirmed.

“Can you believe this? This is huge, I could’ve sworn he died and then wham here he is in the Oval Office. One of my golf buddies said he died in ’87 and nobody ever lies to me so I trusted him. I normally have all the facts, a lot of people talk about how many facts I know. I could have been on a ‘Jeopardy’ champion, but the producers said to me ‘Mr. Trump, you’re too smart for this show. We can’t find anything that would stump you, it wouldn’t be fair.’ Which is sad, it really is,” rambled Trump. “So this guy shows up at the White House, really a beautiful place, but I’ve made it so much nicer, and it turns out he’s been alive the whole time. If South Africa has resurrection technology, they better share it with us, because I’m sure we made it first and they stole it. To be on the safe side I am asking the Secret Service to immediately investigate whether or not I sat down with a ghost, because this is crazy.”

White House staff had hoped to avoid any confusion before the meeting.

“That white genocide presentation was the least of our problems that afternoon. I literally put ‘RAMAPHOSA = ALIVE’ in huge font on his morning briefing and Donald told me I didn’t know my history. I then explained to him that he wasn’t meeting Nelson Mandela, who also didn’t die in prison, and things went off the rails,” said an aid who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “The President immediately filled his diaper when he was being introduced, and it only got more tense from there. Half of it was having his mind blown over sitting with someone he thought was dead, and also another person, and the other half was surprised President Ramaphosa wasn’t white like Elon.”

As of press time, President Trump announced an executive order demanding Kellogg’s put sunglasses back on the Raisin Bran mascot.

Democrats Hope That Putting “Gate” at the End of Trump Team Crimes Results in Something, Anything

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Democratic leaders praised their own strategy of placing “gate” at the end of Trump-led Republican crimes in the effort for something, possibly anything, to happen, confirmed sources.

“I have to say, I’m pretty proud of ‘Signalgate’ as an insult,” shared Senator Chuck Schumer. “It’s become an internal triumph for us. A rallying cry of sorts. AOC gave me a fist bump when that one was coined. Gotta wonder how Republicans will ever recover from such a presidential diss. Such a sick burn. If someone put ‘gate’ at the end of one of my snafus, I’d consider retiring early. Or even just plumb ending it all. Now, how do you spell ‘tariffs’ again? I’m trying to write ‘tariffgate’ on this little sign here for his next speech, but I can never remember if it’s double-R or double-F.”

Democratic think tank advisor Matt Glendale shared skepticism at the efficacy of placing “gate” at the end of controversies.

“It used to be that adding a ‘gate’ suffix meant they were over, period, donezo. That’s all changed, glory days are gone,” Glendale shared while sipping wine from a water bottle on a National Mall bench. “I say, let’s bring the word back. Let’s make it scary and shameful again. It’s become a mockery, another glib buzzword thrown around. I’ve got a little strategy up my sleeve: I’ve been pushing to call this entire era ‘Trumpgate.’ You like that? Now I think that would turn some heads. Barongate, Melaniagate — off the dome. Fresh ideas. Giving them away for free, baby. I’ll be here all day. Literally, since I lost my job.”

Conservative analyst Marie Fitz-Lerond has openly mocked the strategy.

“Nixon was super popular, so it’s actually a compliment if you reference Watergate. If anything, it’s so quaint, so fangless,” said Fitz-Lerond while stubbing a cigarette out on an unhoused veteran. “Nixon actually had huge approval ratings when he was bullied out of office. The ‘silent majority’ would’ve followed him to the ends of the Earth. I know I would, the handsome devil. Anyway, Democrats have been using this feckless tactic for decades in lieu of doing any sort of actual opposition. Look no further than ‘9/11gate,’ ‘mission accomplishedgate,’ and ‘freedom friesgate.’”

At press time, Democratic leaders in the Capitol continued their soft, uphill resistance against Trump, smirkingly warning of a “recessiongate” and snarkily tittering about the continued unwarranted process of “deportationgate.”

Inspiring! This Crust Punk Became a Doctor After Finding an Old Lab Coat in a Dumpster

Posted on by Ben Friedman

America at its best is the land of opportunity. It’s a place where (on paper at least) anyone from all walks of life can find success, happiness, and financial stability through hard work and perseverance. Of course we all know now that is complete fairy tale bullshit, but once in a while someone will come along who so thoroughly beat the crap out of the odds against them it’ll make you believe the American Dream is alive and well!

That is the case of local crust punk Jack “Jack Knife” Clemmons, who through grit and determination has become his scene’s doctor after scoring an old lab coat while dumpster diving behind an abandoned hospital.

“No one believed I’d ever amount to anything more than a purveyor of catalytic converters and stolen stereo equipment, but that was the old me. I knew I could be something more if I just applied myself, and the regional hospital shutting down was just the kick in the pants I needed to do something important. I was just planning on stripping the copper wires out of the walls, but the moment I fished that soiled lab coat out of the dumpster with all the other medical equipment, I knew I could totally use it to pick up chicks. So that’s Doctor Jack Knife to you all.”

For those of you questioning his qualifications, ponder this: is he any less qualified than anyone overseeing Health and Human Services? Exactly. And unlike those ghouls, Jack actually dresses like he belongs in the healthcare sector, stains and all. Plus he has like ten stethoscopes and a bunch of pens from pharmaceutical companies, so he looks totally legit.

“A few people have questioned my credentials, but I just show them all the tubes and syringes and shit I got in these coat pockets and they shut up pretty quickly. Plus this hospital threw out like, a hundred pads of prescription slips so I’m hooking up all my buddies with as much Valium as CVS has in stock. I just want to take care of my community.”

Talk about bootstrapping! And he did it in a fraction of the time than those super nerds who graduated Harvard at 17-years-old. It just goes to show all you need is a little ingenuity, a good eye, and the ability to stay ahead of when the town’s medical facilities schedule their dumpster pickups.

Ride to Airport From Uncle Confirms Howard Stern Still Exists

Posted on by Tim Graham

BOSTON — Frequent flyer Kaitlyn Massey was surprised to learn that venerable shock jock Howard Stern is still alive and broadcasting, sources within her family’s group text confirm.

“It was nice of Uncle Craig to volunteer to drive me to Logan,” said Massey while eating a $19 airport Panera salad. “Unfortunately, he insisted on listening to Howard Stern the entire trip. I thought Stern retired like 20 years ago. My uncle understood that some of the subject matter they discussed made me a little uncomfortable, but he said he had to listen live every day and wasn’t willing to turn it off. Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Craig’s not a wholly inconsiderate person—he did crack the window whenever he lit up a butt.”

Uncle Craig Massey was resolute on listening to the show during the ride.

“I’ve listened to Stern every day of my adult life,” said the 55-year-old. “I wasn’t going to miss the live broadcast just because my niece was in the car with me. Sure, Kaitlyn probably didn’t enjoy hearing about Bababooey’s colonoscopy or High Pitch Eric’s taint rash, but she’s an adult, she can handle it. She’s just lucky Stern has toned it down in recent years. The old Stern was pretty liberal with the ‘R’ and ‘N’ words. He’d also do what overly sensitive people these days might call some ‘racist’ voices…That probably wouldn’t have gone over well.”

Stern’s mainstream pivot is what allowed him to survive when so many of his peers lost their gigs, according to ex-shock jock Nicky “The Boof” Monaghan.

“Times changed and anyone who didn’t adapt died off. I miss the halcyon days of the ‘90s when you had your choice of edgy jocks like Opie and Anthony, Bubba the Love Sponge, and Mancow,” said Monaghan. “Back then, any garage, workshop, or job-site you went to was blasting super graphic sex talk and boner sound effects every weekday morning. And yeah, I’ll say it, wokeness killed the shock jock. All of a sudden, regular working class guys were shamed for listening to stuff like fart sounds and porn stars moaning at high volume at work.”

At press time, Ms. Massey opted to spend $250 on an Uber for the return trip from the airport rather than spend any more time in the car with her uncle.

Report: Nation Deeply Divided on Correct Spelling of “Chode”

Posted on by Mike Maher

WASHINGTON — A new report revealed that among the many issues currently dividing Americans, none is more divisive than how the nation spells the word “chode,” sources doodling a girthy, bulbous phallus confirmed.

“Our data proves there’s never been a time in American history when we’ve had more chodes per capita than right now,” said Val Powley, a Pew Research Center analyst. “Chodes are everywhere. In our government. On social media and reality TV. Sliding into my DMs. We estimate one in four people are chodes, which is almost double where we were 25 years ago. This massive swell in chodes has also resulted in more mentions of the word, and ultimately more conflicting ways of spelling it, deepening the rift among Americans nationwide. We’re seeing many ‘correct’ each other’s spellings over texts with their loved ones. If Merriam-Webster doesn’t step in and settle this once and for all, we may never come together as a nation.”

Even experts with a firm command of the English language have sparred over its spelling.

“Since we’re in this age of nobody’s wrong, everyone wins a fucking prize, we’ve gotten really loose with the rulebook, accepting any ‘chode’ spelling under the sun,” former Scripps National Spelling Bee judge Alistair Worthy said. “Contestants have added extra vowels. They’ve thrown umlauts over consonants. One kid even pulled out a picture of JD Vance without uttering a single letter. So I said ‘I’m sorry, that is incorrect,’ then Scripps fired me, and now I’m suing those chodes for wrongful termination and emotional damages.”

Local fifth grade bully Brett Smythe aimed to set the record straight.

“Listen, these chodes have no clue what they’re talking about,” Smythe whispered. “I should know, I invented the word. Don’t believe me?! Just ask my boy Trevor. Or look in any bathroom stall along the east coast! Or read any comment I’ve left on every loser’s social posts or 4Chan forum. How I spell ‘chode’ is the one and only way to spell ‘chode,’ and if you don’t know it, then you are one!”

At press time, a follow-up report showed the nation is even more at odds over both the spelling and definition of the word “weenus.”

So Close! Here Are 5 Missing Kids Who Didn’t Make the Cut for the Next Soul Asylum Music Video

Posted on by Steve Packosky

If you grew up in the 90s, you no doubt remember watching the music video for Soul Asylum’s 1993 hit “Runaway Train” wherein photos of dozens of actual missing children were displayed on screen. The band had partnered with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) for the video, and some of the featured children ended up reuniting with their families as a direct result. It’s exceedingly rare that such a positive outcome can be had from a piece of music, so the still-together Soul Asylum has decided to let it ride and release a new video. Hopefully, this results in even more reunions, but for now let’s focus on the kids who didn’t make the cut!

Ronald Deborski (12 years old, Exeter, New Hampshire)
This spoiled little shit ran off mid-hissy fit because his parents purchased him a regular Nintendo Switch for Christmas instead of a “Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom” Edition. From what we were able to gather during our cursory research with Ronald’s friends and loved ones, this kid was a total nightmare who got everything he wanted from his parents and enjoyed spending his time tormenting smaller kids at his private school. Honestly, there are a lot of missing pre-teens out there who are much more deserving of being located with the help of a music video, so we’re probably better off knowing that the band has decided not to assist with this one.

Brendan Crenshaw (14 years old, Spokane, Washington)
OK, this kid made your average bully from a Stephen King novel look like Bernie Sanders by comparison. We’re not going to go into detail about the stories we heard from his now relieved classmates, but it’s definitely a net positive for his community if he’s been institutionalized somewhere like Henry Bowers from “It”. We’re pretty sure even Brendan’s parents are in agreement here, so let’s let sleeping dogs lie and not contract Soul Asylum for their help in finding him. We’re actually starting to think they really did their homework here, and we’re just wasting our time and yours by listing these nightmare children.

Lori Haverbrook (14 years old, Lincoln, Nebraska)
Jesus Christ, this girl killed a bunch of dogs. She killed people’s dogs. Countless sources throughout Lincoln confirmed this. In fact, she was run out of town by an angry mob of townspeople that included her own parents. Soul Asylum is doing the right thing here. This kid is an irredeemable demon-spawn who is completely unworthy of returning home through her appearance in an alternative music video. In fact, if you’re in one of the communities that surrounds Lincoln and you see Lori, lock yourself in your house with your dog and call the police. For the love of God, do not attempt to make contact with her.

Neil Corbin (13 years old, Hialeah, Florida)
Ugh, we still have one more after this? Yes, Neil is missing. No, that’s not a bad thing. Have you seen “Adolescence” on Netflix? That’s nothing compared to what Neil did, and no, we’re not going to go into details. At least that kid had the excuse of having been completely corrupted by the Internet, but Neil’s parents didn’t even grant him access. They rightly thought it would make him worse, as if that could even be possible. Trust us: just appreciate the new Soul Asylum video when it comes out and don’t trouble yourself with a single concerned thought about Neil.

Damien Thorn (12 years old, Chicago, Illinois)
Honestly, we’re kind of confused that the band decided to pass on including Damien in their music video. From the conversations we’ve had with his family and the faculty at his academy, Damien is a bright, natural leader with a spotless behavioral record. Strangely, nobody we talked to seemed particularly phased by Damien’s disappearance, and some even gave us knowing smiles while saying something like “the infernal plan will surely come to fruition with our beloved Damien.” We’re not sure what that’s all about, but we implore Soul Asylum to reconsider their decision so we can return this future President to his Lincoln Park mansion.

There you have it. With the exception of #5, Soul Asylum is doing a bang-up job with their winnowing down of potentials to star in their new single. Stay tuned for our upcoming list of kids who didn’t make the cut to be the tap dancing kid in the next Blind Melon music video!

Urinal Cake Signals Beginning of Venue Gentrification

Posted on by Mark Danowsky

DENVER — A urinal cake spotted in the bathroom of Low Clearance raised concerns that the beloved venue may be veering away from their squalid roots and gradually gentrifying, confirmed sources.

“I’ve seen it all before,” said Tim Klaw, a regular at Low Clearance. “This is CBGB all over again. Just you wait. It can be a slow creep but soon enough this place will be crawling with idiot hipsters who have never even heard of The Descendants let alone be able to name three songs. In any case, all I can tell you is I’m not about to start tipping the bartender for every goddamn PBR. As we all know, urinal cakes are a slippery slope to tipping screens.”

Low Clearance bouncer Jarvin “The Wall” Baker pulled no punches when asked how venue gentrification could impact his job.

“I’ve been working at LC for about a decade. I’ve seen it all. I saw the urinal cake bathroom upgrade and it’s like you’re pissing in a mansion now. I’m none too pleased,” said Baker. “Look, I had a kid, probably 14, pull a knife on me the other day. As I chase him off, he starts chucking ninja stars at me. I mean for fuck’s sake. All I’m gonna say is this better not mean no bullshit rules about ‘the right way’ to throw out some piece of shit who is acting like a total scumbag. Know what I mean? For me, trash goes in the dumpster. End of story.”

Renowned sociologist Dr. Ash Skansmill explained how the appearance of urinal cakes is a classic stepping stone in the well-studied venue gentrification process.

“Early signs of gentrification often involve small changes such as the appearance of a hand dryer in the bathroom instead of, well, nothing at all,” said Dr. Skansmill. “Then we see an upward trend towards status quo norms associated with cleanliness. Next steps might include the sudden appearance of napkins when they were never previously available. This slow creep, not unlike the hedonic treadmill, pushes out regulars and turns outsider spaces into trendy spots that appeal to upwardly mobile members of society. This culminates in outsiders being forced out of their natural fringe habitat by yuppies. It’s tragic to witness this time and time again.”

At press time, gentrification rumors were indeed confirmed after regulars noticed a new can of Lysol and bottle of Febreze in the restroom.

New Los Angeles Law Requires You to Ask Dog Owners Their Name Too

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Superior Court ruled on Monday that all interactions with strangers’ dogs will require at least a minimal introduction to the owners themselves, after several complaints across the city, confirmed sources.

“It’s like everyone’s lost common decency. The yuppie transplants in my neighborhood only interact with me when I’m walking my 19-year-old pug, Oswalt. They all live in these ugly, sterile apartment buildings that look like Kaiser Permanente medical offices—the least they could do is memorize my name,” said 52-year-old former shoegaze guitarist turned inheritor Mitch Petri of Eagle Rock. “All I want is some recognition that I own a dog. Also some friends would be nice. That said, I can’t wait to call the cops the next time someone doesn’t make direct eye contact with me while petting my dog.”

While the law may be a win for some, other Angelenos lament the change as an unwelcome adjustment to their lifestyle.

“We’ve always just referred to our neighbor as ‘Mochi and Miso’s Mom.’ We never even thought to learn her name when she first moved in across the street. I guess now we have to or else we’ll be literal outlaws,” said 66-year-old retiree Dana Porty of Culver City. “The real victim here is our maltipoo, Sheeba. Sheeba slowly wags her little tail each time we reference ‘Mochi and Miso’s Mom’ out of context. I guess she’ll learn the hard way about the American justice system.”

Dr. Erica Curtis-Tanaka, a sociologist from Mar Vista who currently works as a consultant for Hinge, advocated for this law.

“Many people blame the pandemic for the difficulty making friends in Los Angeles. The truth is, the current climate of social alienation began with the increase of social media and doggo memes,” said Dr. Curtis-Tanaka. “Over 50% of profiles surveyed on the major dating apps included some reference to dogs, and of that 50%, at least 75% included quotes along the lines of, ‘I would rather date your dog than you,’ and, ‘At the party, I ignore everyone but the dog.’ While that may seem lighthearted enough, a 2024 CityData survey discovered the number of missing dog signs across the city was over five times greater than missing children. The new law will force people to rehumanize each other.”

At press time, no local law enforcement officials have expressed confidence in how to enforce this new law.

Wanna Feel Old? This Is the Second Financial Disaster of My Adulthood

Posted on by Amir Adan

Are you ready to feel the effects of aging at a natural rate? Well, get a load of this. This is currently the second financial crisis of my adulthood. Top that, kids.

And yet I’m already nostalgic for a simpler time when the Obama-based government was bailing out AIG for a collective $182 billion, unemployment was at 10%, and I could express my frustration for being poor through a well-timed meme on Tumblr. Can you believe that was only 15 years ago? We didn’t know how good we had it.

The S&P plummeted by 58%, three million households were foreclosed on, and everyone was getting a mustache tattooed on their index fingers. They were cataclysmic times. But we got through it together.

Now we have this whole new financial disaster to deal with, but I assure you youngins’ that this one is not nearly as cool as the previous one. Back then, we could all get hammered and play flip cup. Sobriety hadn’t been invented yet, and a little-known benefit of alcohol is that it makes you temporarily forget about how broke you are.

Since this isn’t my first financial crisis rodeo, I can impart some wisdom on you recession virgins. First up, you’ll want to get a second and third job. This will diversify your exhaustion. But hey, at least you’ll have more than one income stream. Who knows? Maybe one of them will be enough to live on. But if I’ve learned anything about existence, it won’t.

It all feels like only yesterday that the last economic 9/11 happened. Time sure does fly between financial disasters. At this rate, I’ll have to endure another four or five more, but at least in the end I’ll get to die. Thankfully, there is no NASDAQ in the afterlife.