DEA Officials Confirm Elon Musk’s Ketamine Habit the Single Most Effective Way to Make Drugs Look Uncool

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

SPRINGFIELD, Va. — Local Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) representative Luther Sacristan Diaz confirmed that Elon Musk’s rampant ketamine habit is still the single most effective way to make drugs look uncool to America’s youth, confirmed sources.

“We all know that drugs have won the war on drugs,” said Diaz, who looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. “The problem is, drugs are cool. And when kids see people on drugs, it makes them want to try it themselves so they can, you know, write existential horror novels or jam out on the electric saxophone for hours and hours. Luckily, Elon Musk and his rampant ketamine habit is like a reverse Joe Camel and a perfect deterrent for kids. I mean, no one who sees that man glitching in real-time and giving extremely awkward answers during interviews would ever want to start taking anything.”

Local DARE Officer Paul Carpenter-Pryce was more than happy to finally see a public figure look like a complete dork on drugs.

“Elon has inspired more kids to go straight edge than Ian MacKaye himself,” said Carpenter-Pryce. “Presumably, no one’s ever enjoyed his company enough to not be on drugs themselves. But what he does have is a very serious, potentially deadly ketamine problem, which may eventually destroy his heart and brain. Bad for him, but you know, great for us. We used to tell kids their parents were gonna take them downtown and sell them for crack, but now we just pull up a video of sunglasses-wearing Elon leaping in the air with all of his appendages spread as far out as possible. They get the message.”

Still, not everyone seems to be in on the joke, not even Musk himself.

“Ketamine is cool,” said Musk. “Special K is something I do as a meme, just like the Nazi salute thing. They call me king of K! Everyone knows that. Ketamine brain plus versus woke mind virus equals LOL. Major ownage. Tesla investors should want me to do more of it. So should Americans. It gives me galaxy brained visions that you noobs couldn’t even begin to comprehend. In fact, I came up with the entire design of the Cybertruck all by myself during a K bender. You’re welcome.”

At press time, the DEA encouraged Musk to try heroin in an effort to make that look uncool too.

Opinion: I Never Would’ve Booked This Room on Airbnb Had I Known It Was the One From the “Virtual Insanity” Music Video

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, let me make myself exceedingly clear on one thing: I always do the necessary amount of research before I buy anything, be it a blender or a used car. This weekend trip to Tennessee with my wife and two kids was absolutely no exception, so the blame for our little ordeal falls squarely on the shoulders of Airbnb and user jmrquai96. There is absolutely no chance I would have booked this room had I known it was the one from the “Virtual Insanity” music video. No chance.

I should have known something was awry when we first stepped into the foyer and saw a collection of four mushroom-shaped, faux-fur hats accompanied by the sign “Hats must be worn AT ALL TIMES.” Thinking it was a fun little addition to our trip, we donned the bizarre pieces of headware and proceeded to our room. In retrospect, I see this as a needlessly sinister rule that, again, should have been included in the room’s listing. Can they even do that?

Transparency should be of utmost importance in any listing, so my daughter slipping and getting a concussion should NOT have been my first indicator that the floor of our room was constantly moving. At any rate, by the time we got back from the hospital, it took us four hours to get ready for our day trip to the Chattanooga Creative Discovery Museum. It closed 20 minutes after we finally arrived, which essentially rendered our entire trip useless.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to clean and dress two small children on a floor that’s ostensibly just a perpetually moving platform? What is the point of duplicitously renting this room out to unsuspecting fathers who are just trying to treat their families to an intellectually stimulating weekend trip?

I understand this room provided an excellent setting for an iconic funk music video, but that was 30 years ago. I was just trying to be a good steward of my house, which ultimately culminated in a bruise-inducing clusterfuck that left my entire family furious with me. This room was designed for professional dancers, not working-class families on a well-deserved getaway, and shame on jmrquai96 for not making this distinction.

In closing, it is not for me to decide whether this room is uniformly unsuitable for everybody. For all I know, there are countless acid jazz funk bands out there who would be thrilled to stay in this room. All I’m saying is that it is incumbent on both the individual posting the room to be forthright in its description, and the platform to strictly enforce this honesty to ensure no family endures what we had to. In the meantime, I am going to book our room for our upcoming trip to New York City, in a room “used in The Prodigy’s ‘Breathe’ music video” because the listing is honest.

Municipal Waste Fan Horrified To Learn He Drank Responsibly Last Night

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local bar Shooter’s last night, sources report.

“Oh man, I’m so embarrassed,” Medina moaned as he held his head in his hands. “I only drank two Budweisers last night. I didn’t start any fights or play thrash metal on the jukebox, and worst of all, I didn’t vomit in anybody’s face. Ugh, what was I thinking? Everybody at Shooter’s thinks of me as an out-of-control thrasher, so I let them all down. I’m not going to be able to show my face there for a long time, and what about my metalhead friends? How could I have been so inconsiderate? I’m going to have to call everybody up and apologize. I can only hope they’ll forgive me.”

Medina’s friend Silvia Juárez was repulsed at his actions.

“I can’t believe Dylan did that,” Juarez said. “We’ve both been huge Municipal Waste fans since high school, so it’s absolutely unfathomable that our night in a dive bar didn’t end up with him passed out on the pool table after puking all over some dweeb who doesn’t listen to metal. This is so unlike him. He already called me this morning and apologized, but I told him I was going to need some time before I could accept it. He offered to drink 20 beers tonight to make it up to me, but honestly, it’s going to take more than that to regain my respect.”

Municipal Waste frontman Tony Foresta reacted to the news with disbelief.

“Wait, what?” Foresta responded. “So you’re saying this guy is a fan of Municipal Waste, and he only drank a couple of beers last night? The dude better have a good excuse, because any true follower of my band would drink to the point of blacking out and waking up in a landfill. Why does he think I write my lyrics? For my fans to practice temperance and be responsible members of society? What part of ‘Municipal Waste is gonna fuck you up’ does he not understand? He’d better drink a case every night for the next year while leaving a trail of dead posers in his wake. Until he does that, I’d better not see him at any of my shows.”

At press time, Medina further humiliated himself by forgetting to cut the sleeves off a Municipal Waste shirt he had purchased.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week Before Our Float Got Banned From The Memorial Day Parade

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another tough week. You’re technically seven days older, though given the current stress of our political and economic climate, scientifically speaking, you have aged an entire decade. While we can’t do anything to stop the never-ending churn of time and biological degradation, some say music has natural anti-aging properties. Granted we heard this from your 78-year-old Dead Head uncle who is ‘young at heart,’ but it can’t hurt to try. Here are five new songs we listened to this week that made the bags under our eyes imperceptibly lighter.

MS Paint ‘No Separation’

Mississippi synth-punk outfit MS Paint finally released the follow-up to their 2023 debut ‘Post-American.’ The EP, ‘No Separation,’ finds the group continuing to expand upon their largely unclassifiable sound begging questions like: Is it punk? Is it hardcore? Is it party-rock? Is there really no guitar? Am I having a seizure? While we may never have the answers to several of those questions, and should probably see a doctor about at least one, the whole thing rips and is worth the several head-scratching spins you’ll likely endure.

Laura Stevenson ‘Honey’

Your favorite band’s favorite songwriter, Laura Stevenson, is preparing to release her seventh full-length ‘Late Great.’ The record will arrive this summer on longtime collaborator Jeff Rosenstock’s label Really Real Records. Rosenstock is also slated to feature on the album alongside Chris Farren, making it as close to an Antartigo Vespucci reunion as we are likely to ever get. Lead single ‘Honey’ is a devastatingly lush and folksy ode to heartbreak that requires us to advise you to delete your ex’s number before listening.

Wednesday ‘Elderberry Wine’

It’s been just over two years since Wednesday’s ‘Rat Saw God’ dropped and inspired a new generation to learn guitar before quickly giving up and scrolling TikTok again. Dashed dreams of musicianship aside, fans have been chomping at the bit for a glimmer of new music. This wish has been thoroughly granted by our reluctant indie heroes with the release of ‘Elderberry Wine.’ It’s a delightful Americana romp that evokes the feeling of lingering seasonal depression on a sunny day.

The Armed ‘Well Made Play’

The stubbornly mysterious Detroit punk collective The Armed announced their forthcoming album ‘The Future Is Here And Everything Needs To Be Destroyed,’ which might be the most on-point album title we’ve ever heard of. Lead single ‘Well Made Play’ is being heralded as a return to form, which is interesting for a band whose true form has arguably never existed. It’s kind of like when your band pivoted away from experimental material, only this time it’s actually good.

Full of Hell ‘Corpselight’

Full of Hell’s new EP ‘Broken Sword, Rotten Shield’ dropped last week. Like most FoH releases, their latest finds the band taking their patented terror-grind sound into new and unexpected territory. The track ‘Corpselight’ illustrates this tendency well, playing out like someone dropped an unreleased track onto the GoldenEye 007 Pause Menu soundtrack and clicked ‘render’ after barely touching the mix. ‘Revolutionary’ may be a strong word, but it’s interesting at the very least.

Now that you’ve found the Fountain of Youth, you’re probably hankering for more. We got you. We’ve compiled all of this sweet, borderline unlistenable nectar into a convenient playlist along with everything else we’ve listened to. Check it out below as you continue to fight back the cold hand of death.

Pro-Life Conservatives Boycott Ms. Rachel Over Controversial Anti-Baby Killing Stance

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Popular YouTube children’s entertainer Ms. Rachel sparked backlash from pro-life right-wing commentators for her brave stance against ongoing infanticide in Gaza, confirmed sources.

“After we’re finished protesting at Planned Parenthood, we’re gonna picket the YouTubes next,” shared Fran Amber-Sheridan while trying to re-download the Newsmax app. “It doesn’t make sense for Ms. Rachel to take a stand when we have hypothetical future taxpayers to advocate for here on American soil. These faraway ethnic babies will never contribute to our economy. We have all these poor unborn domestic fetus darlings, theoretical sweethearts, yet their reluctant and ‘supposedly unhealthy’ mothers want to hijack the entire conversation. Selfish. Look, I’m out here protesting to ensure babies aren’t killed before they’re born, what happens after is God’s plan. And I’m talking about my white God, just to be clear.”

Ms. Rachel’s talent agent Liza Madison weighed in on the controversy surrounding her client.

“We support our client in any decision she makes,” shared Madison from her CAA office. “This outspokenness can rattle internal relations, but we’re standing firm behind Ms. Rachel. Also, children are her main demographic. Of course she is going to make a statement when the audience is impacted. She needs tomorrow’s viewers still alive; to not speak out is bad business. Plus there is no way I’m having my 10% fee eaten into.”

Popular conservative AM radio host Buzz “The Rightman” Oroville addressed the topic on his nationally syndicated program.

“This liberal coastal educated anti-Semitism has to stop,” opined Oroville between Trump memecoin ads. “How dare Ms. Rachel talk about dying babies. Stick to the ABCs, not the ICUs! This is a craven attempt to expand her brand into international markets, and for what? Brown babies in conflict zones have zero spending power. Total waste of time. Stay in your lane, Ms. Rachel! Just stick to singing. It takes us far-right thought-leaders outside the lamestream media to set the record straight and stop the lies. Why not mention the billions of babies killed today on those California abortion farms? Old McDonald had a clinic, and the wheels on the bus go to Gavin Newsom’s adrenochrome lab.”

At press time, Israeli authorities are working with the federal government to raid Ms. Rachel’s studio and conduct a search for extremist militant Gaza children learning how to spell for future manifestos.

The Next “Newsies”? These Children I’ve Employed Won’t Stop Complaining About How I Don’t Pay Them

Posted on by Steve Packosky

These days, it’s important for us to find ways to earn a living however we can. Rising costs due to inflation and tariffs can be absolutely devastating to the working class, so I fully support cutting any corners necessary to keep your bottom line as fat as possible. Let’s talk about regulations concerning child labor.

We all know these can be very strict, which is why I’ve managed to circumvent them by refusing to pay the children I’ve hired to work in my meatpacking plant. The first few weeks of this actually went pretty smoothly, with them toiling happily under the misguided notion that there would be fair recompense for their time and effort. However, as more weeks have passed, the constant complaints have evolved into talk of striking, much like the characters in beloved 1992 musical “The Newsies.”

While their umbrage with their lack of compensation has yet to show itself in catchy song and dance routines, who knows what my refusal to give in to their completely reasonable requests will yield in the coming weeks? Because let me make one thing clear: I am a man of principle. I like my shirts starched, my coffee black, and my child laborers unpaid. Call me old-fashioned, but I refuse to budge on this. No outside force, be it the ACLU or striking teens singing and dancing to a foot-tap inducing rendition of “Seize the Day,” can change my mind.

I should identify the leader and… adopt them? Is that what happens in the movie? Did it backfire?

I’m going to be completely honest here: I’ve largely forgotten the plot of “Newsies.” It’s been a very long time since I’ve seen it, and a middle-aged owner of a plant full of unpaid minors packing dubiously-sourced meat doesn’t really have the time to revisit old cinematic experiences. I just know that, when these kids inevitably decide to rebel and refuse to provide me with the unpaid labor that has so benefited me financially as of late, I’m going to have a real problem on my hands. History is full of unfairly treated adolescent newspaper hawkers winning the hearts of the public, and there’s no reason why this shouldn’t translate to the meatpacking industry. However, as I said earlier, we are in tough economic times. Compensating your employees is a privilege enjoyed by those during periods of positive GDP growth.

So what am I going to do here? Am I to just sit idly by while my tiny employees contact workers in other meatpacking plants throughout the city, much like the Newsies did when organizing their strike? That simply will not do, as other plants almost certainly pay their staff, who are also almost certainly fully grown adults. I run the risk of the media getting wind of my little scheme as well, as Bill Pullman’s reporter character definitely helped the Newsies break through to their curmudgeon distributor. No, I’m going to have to take a step back and think for a bit.

In the meantime, I’ve recently noticed that these kids have just befriended some teen across town who carries a slingshot everywhere. Again, it’s been a while since I’ve seen the movie, but something tells me this can’t be good.

Metalhead With No Hygiene Habits Inexplicably Owner of Most Beautiful Head of Hair You’ve Ever Seen

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered, befuddled sources report.

“I grew my hair long so I could headbang to Kreator and Demolition Hammer,” Clark said as he ran his hands through his nonsensically luscious locks of auburn curls. “It feels awesome to windmill it back and forth while listening to ‘Epidemic of Violence’ and pounding beers with my friends. I spend all of my money on booze and metal shirts, so I definitely don’t bother with buying shampoo. Having long hair is great, but sometimes it gets in the way, like last night when I puked my fucking guts out after drinking 11 cans of Miller High Life. I actually got some of it in my hair, but I wiped it out with a paper towel and I’m pretty sure I got most of it.”

You were absolutely bewildered at Clark’s hair.

“I just don’t get it,” you complained. “I spend a goddamn fortune on hair care products and salon visits. Not to mention the time I put into it every morning. Yet this dude has the nicest hair I could imagine without bothering to buy so much as a comb. It’s not fair. I doubt he would even notice if he started going bald, so why should he be in possession of something so beautiful if he won’t even appreciate it? Maybe I would get similar results if I stopped caring for my hair and became a total slob like him.”

Hair care expert Stefan Katsaros provided his expertise on the situation.

“There actually is a rationale behind this,” Katsaros provided. “We tend to cause damage to our hair by worrying over it and using excess amounts of product, when in reality it’s better to just become disgusting like the average metalhead. That way we’re letting our oils provide natural upkeep to the hair instead of harming it with excess chemicals. My advice to people looking to add volume and sheen to their hair is to stop showering, shotgun a Budweiser, and listen to some Municipal Waste. I would recommend tying it back if you have to vomit, but honestly, neglecting to do that doesn’t appear to have deleterious effects on any metalhead I’ve ever met.”

At press time, you also became jealous of Clark’s sewing prowess evident in the Morbid Saint patch on his vest.

Harvard Asking Around To See If Anyone Knows Any Good Lawyers

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Administrators at Harvard University are currently reaching out to everyone in their network and asking if anyone knows a good lawyer who might be able to take on the Trump administration, sources confirmed.

“In a bit of a pickle here. Anyone out there got any good lawyer recs? Hopefully nothing too expensive, any leads are appreciated,” said the official Harvard account in a post on X. “Can’t talk too much about it here, but really looking for a lawyer that specializes in tax code, immigration, free speech, constitutional law, and has experience in front of the Supreme Court. DMs are open if you know anyone good. Kind of a rush job. Please help!!!!!”

Harvard Law Professor Jane Krueger hopes that some of her past students went on to become lawyers and might be willing to help out.

“I’ve been a professor here for nearly 20 years, so I’d expect at least a handful of the thousands of people I’ve taught eventually passed the bar exam. The only person that comes to mind right now is Greg Giraldo, but he died years ago,” said Krueger. “This would be easy if we needed a good doctor or a dentist. But lawyers are tricky; a lot of them just seem to disappear into the gears or corporate America and never really stick their heads out again. But hopefully we find something soon before Trump signs an executive order demanding Harvard be lit on fire.”

Legal scholar Edward P. Finnegan believes Harvard is just looking for free legal advice.

“This is the problem with being a lawyer sometimes. You have these major institutions with billion-dollar endowments hitting you up just to be like ‘Hey, the President of the United States is assaulting our right to operate freely, do you do free consultations?’ And it’s such a waste of time, because at this point, a lot of these major universities just end up using ChatGPT to get legal advice,” said Finnegan. “Also, Harvard loves to trade for services. They want you to represent them in a case that could set a legal precedent for decades, and they will let you take a semester of night classes at their School of Visual and Performing Arts for free. It’s not the best deal.”

In an effort to move public opinion to it’s favor, Harvard is also asking around to see if anyone can put them in touch with a good comedy writer.

Breaking: Old Guys From Bands Everyone Used to Love Form New Band Nobody Can Tolerate

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Members of legendary New York Hardcore bands Malicious Destruction, Malfeasance, and Genghis debuted music from their new “supergroup” called Sealegs, confirmed multiple people who listened to the first 15 seconds of a song and moved on.

“These new songs are some of the rawest and honest songs I’ve ever written. Back in the ‘90s I was just an angry kid with no direction, but now I’m a dad with a great career, and I feel like that’s really reflected in my lyrics,” said vocalist Tim Lincoln. “And the rest of the band have really honed their skills over the years. The riffs are tight, the rhythm section is absolutely locked in. We have this hive mind thing going on right now. Whenever we practice together we end up going on improvised jams that last up to 10 minutes at a time. I can’t wait to play live in front of fans to see them going off. Sure, a lot of us have some mobility issues and won’t be able to rip as hard on stage, but we have 30 years more experience with our instruments and we’ve only gotten better with age.”

24-year-old hardcore kid Dina Molari says she will not be adding Sealegs to her regular rotation.

“Look, I’ll pretend to love their music if my band ever gets booked on a show with them, because that’s the polite thing to do. But this has to stop. We need to make some space for new bands to get some attention; we can’t keep having these old dudes distracting everybody,” said Molari. “It’s the same reason I can’t find a job in the real world, these geezers won’t leave, and they expect everyone to celebrate them for being experienced. I want my punk bands to be young and pissed, and as soon as you turn 30 you have to get the fuck out.”

Scene historian Trey Idlebri expects even more bands like Sealegs to be popping up over the next few years.

“There was a time when hardcore shows just got too dangerous for anyone over 40. Back injuries were much more common and the recovery process took forever. Unfortunately, modern medicine and wellness practices have made it easier for people to stay involved in the scene way longer, to the point it’s pretty embarrassing,” said Idlebri. “Testosterone Replacement Therapy has been a real problem, making the older men who used to just stand in the back, more aggressive in the pit. So you might see a 48-year-old plumber spin kick a high school sophomore and we are all supposed to think that’s normal now.”

At press time, Sealegs announced their first week-long tour which will span from Eastern Connecticut, through Rhode Island, and ending in Southern Massachusetts.

Inspiring: When This Child Was Clinically Dead for 5 Minutes He Saw Hell, but It Was Like a Cool Rock & Roll Party Hell

Posted on by Dan Rice

In trying times, nothing feels better than an uplifting story that renews our faith. In Raleigh, North Carolina tragedy became a triumph this week when 10-year-old Tyler Hopkins was miraculously resuscitated after a fall at the playground left him clinically dead for nearly 5 minutes. He is expected to make a full recovery, and if that’s not enough to make you believe in a higher power, what Tyler saw just might. Tyler claims he remembers leaving his body and being embraced by our Lord Satan, and can confirm hell is just a cool party place where awesome people just get radical and bodacious 24/7. Can we get a HELL YES?!

What a refreshing affirmation! Not only is hell real, it lives up to our wildest, most cartoonish interpretations!

Tyler recalls first being greeted by the dark lord himself.

“A voice called to me, ‘Welcome to hell little dude, we kept the party warm for yah!’ I turned around, and it was Satan! He looked pretty much like Lobo the Bounty Hunter, only red and with horns. Satan said he was going to give me the grand tour, ‘but first, let’s shred!’ He pulled the bitchinist guitar I’ve ever seen out of nowhere and played the sickest solo ever! I said to him ‘I wish I could shred like that Mr. Devil!’ and he said ‘What are you talking about man? You can!’ All of a sudden, there was a sick axe in my hands and I realized I knew how to play it!”

That’s right — everyone who makes it to hell is given immediate mastery of electric guitar, and according to Tyler most of the time people just walk around shredding at each other and high-fiving. Praise Satan! Our hearts grew darker and darker as Tyler described the splendor that surrounded him.

“Hell has so much cool stuff! There’s skate parks and arcades everywhere, Satan showed me a movie theater that plays every horror movie ever made, and the whole place is pretty much just a non stop kegger! I got to try my first beer with a cool guy who called himself John Belushi! I also did cocaine with a guy named Dee Dee Ramone, he was kinda weird.”

Skeptical? Then how do you explain the fact that Tyler now knows the plot to “Evil Dead 2” and all the words to Dee Dee King’s “Funky Man” despite his parents shielding him from both those things? Even when pressed Tyler could not come up with one single downside to life in hell.

“I mean yeah there’s fire everywhere, but it doesn’t hurt, it just looks cool. I asked Mr. Satan ‘Wait, is Harvey Weinstein down here?’ and he said people like him and Hitler and Trump just stop existing, and everyone else who doesn’t totally suck deep down gets to party in hell forever.”

Tyler’s parents Barbera and Fred Hopkins are collaborating on an illustrated children’s book based on their son’s experience. It’s an exploitation they’re hopeful will earn them a place in hell right next to their boy. God damn them, and from the bottom of our hearts here at The Hard Times, God damn you all!