Trump to Give Medal of Honor to the Brave Ohio National Guardsmen Who Shot Defenseless Students at Kent State

Posted on by Stephen Bell

KENT, Ohio — President Donald Trump announced he’d be awarding the Medal of Honor to those brave National Guardsmen who shot and killed defenseless students on May 4, 1970 at Kent State University, confirmed White House sources.

“Everyone knows that those radical leftist lunatic college students were going to overthrow the government starting in the Buckeye State,” said Trump while cleaning KFC out of his teeth. “I heard the football coach Nick Saban was there at the time and we all know he’s a leader and a winner. Won bigly many college football national championships. Great guy who I know well. But given the chance I’m sure Komrade Saban would’ve become a communist dictator and overthrown the government and we can’t have that.”

The family of the now deceased National Guard General Robert Canterbury who was leading his soldiers that day spoke out about this honor.

“My grandad said that he would’ve gladly gone to Vietnam instead of the hell that is Kent,” said grandson Cliff Canterbury. “In Vietnam they could hide in the trees and shoot at you secretly. At Kent they would hide in the middle of an open football field without any cover and maybe throw a rock at you, and we know that the average hippie can whip a rock at an average of 600 miles per hour. You tell me which situation you’d rather be in and then tell me if you’d still refrain from shooting.”

Survivor of the Kent State shooting Meghan Roth was completely nonplussed by the news.

“Am I surprised or shocked? Well I really wish I was,” said Roth. “I mean, the shooting actually made Jim Rhodes the governor at the time more popular and nearly got him a senate seat. It turns out that most people think being tough involves haphazardly killing those weaker than you and all of their friends. I wish I could add some acerbic and witty comments about this but honestly, there’s no jokes to be made about this.”

At press time, Trump confirmed that there’d be many more medals of honor to give out because there’d be “many more Kent States to come.”

Heartwarming! When This Target Employee Died on the Job, His Manager Told Coworkers He Transferred to Another Store Upstate

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Most people would agree that the last place you want to die is on the job, not only because you’ll never enjoy retirement, but also because there’s a high probability your position will be posted within 24 hours of your demise. Plus, it’s not exactly a happy place.

Such was the case of Kevin Hernandez, a long-time Target employee who died in the stockroom last weekend. However, his supervisor, Declan Pierce, managed to steer his store clear of any mourning period whatsoever after informing employees that Bob had suddenly decided to transfer to a nice store upstate.

When Declan found the store’s longest tenured team member dead from a heart attack while trying to lift an 85” TV by himself, he sprang into action to ensure he’d be punched out for his break. After having the body discreetly taken out of the receiving bay doors by the paramedics, time was running out as to how he’d explain to his coworkers that the beloved team member and lover of pizza parties was no more.

“It would’ve broken our employees’ hearts to tell them Kevin passed away, and it would’ve especially broken our drive-up order metrics. So for the sake of everyone’s emotional wellbeing and to ensure the whole store wouldn’t try to put in PTO for his funeral, we told him he transferred to a wonderful Target upstate where he actually gets his hours, isn’t scheduled outside of his ability, and eats all the Pizza Hut cafe he wants,” said Pierce. “I’m not saying that our employees aren’t emotionally mature enough to process his death, it’s just that we were already understaffed and we’ll never work all these clothes onto the floor if everyone’s too busy grieving.”

Of course, informing the team of Kevin’s permanent transfer was not without some hiccups, particularly when some of his former coworkers excitedly asked if they could transfer there too, or when they all saw his wife barge into the store, threatening to sue corporate. But it did seem like everyone bought the line about Kevin now running around a huge break room that always has a breakfast bar with his new redshirted friends.

“It wasn’t a perfect explanation, but at least they think he’s in a better place. I just hope everyone will be too overwhelmed with Black Friday sales to question why he isn’t visiting the store for the holidays.”

New Dad Can’t Wait to Show Newborn Child Hard Drives Full of Pirated Movies Once He’s Old Enough

Posted on by Jose Balderas

SANTA FE SPRINGS, Calif. — Local father Jay Vander couldn’t wait until his newborn son was old enough to show him old hard drives full of pirated movies, confirmed sources who really just needed him to change a diaper once in a while.

“I know we have to start small and get through the baby’s various phases like Ms. Rachel, The Wiggles, and Sesame Street but I’m so stoked to show him all these cinematic treasures thanks to Pirate Bay. This makes the $15,000 piracy fine I received for torrenting movies 20 years ago almost worth it,” relayed Vander. “When he eventually asks me to watch whatever Marvel crap is in theaters I’m going to sit him down and watch Roger Corman’s 1994 masterpiece ‘The Fantastic Four.’ And I’m positive he’ll be the coolest kid on the playground.”

Vander’s wife is fond of her husband’s excitement for their child’s future but maintains that their focus should be on the present.

“He absolutely forgot about those hard drives and when he found them he couldn’t stop telling me about what he had in there and how he acquired it. I love him but I really need to hear him go on and on about Pauly Shore’s performance in ‘Bio-Dome,’” said May Vander. “I don’t know if our child will care about the six different TV cuts of ‘RoboCop’ Jay has saved but if he’s excited to spend time with our baby then I’m excited to let him.”

Grandfather Joe Vander recalls the joy of almost getting rid of the large boxes.

“When he moved out with May he left all his boxes in my garage and I almost made an easy $40 bucks off one weirdo who said he needed hard drives for his samples. I didn’t care what I got as long as I got rid of them but just as I was about to make some easy money Jay pulled in and yanked the box away,” recalled the 82-year-old. “Jay used to spend hours and hours in his room illegally downloading movies off the internet. Unfortunately, these hard drives will be his only family heirloom. Hope that kid doesn’t mind.”

As of press time, the new father was attempting to fix another hard drive with all the syndicated episodes of “The Simpsons.”

Genius Janitors Now Forced To Solve Equations on Own Blackboards Following Trump’s Harvard Contract Cuts

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — President Donald Trump’s decision to terminate all of the federal government’s remaining contracts with Harvard University resulted in genius janitors having to solve equations written on blackboards that they’ve brought from home, sources report.

“It used to be that I’d come across these equations in the hallways as I’m mopping the floor outside classrooms,” genius janitor Bill Dunning told reporters. “Now I’m forced to buy my own chalkboard and bring it to work in the hopes that a professor will notice my mathematical prowess. Doing it this way just doesn’t have the same flair, and I look like I’m trying too hard to get noticed. These contract cuts couldn’t have come at a worse time, either, as I can’t quite keep from getting in trouble, and it would really help if I had a professor who could arrange to keep me out of jail in return for me studying under him.”

Trump did not appear to commiserate with Dunning’s plight.

“Harvard has been taken over by the Radical Left, and it’s time they paid the price for it,” Trump said. “They’re an absolute joke of an organization with their woke, anti-American values. If these janitors are so smart, they’re more than welcome to transfer to schools like Liberty University or Bob Jones University, those are real schools, they asked me to teach business there. The Dean came up to me, big fat guy, really fat. Fatter than you would think, I told him he needs to lose weight, he told me he needs me to teach his students how to do deals. I told him I was busy, he keeps calling. At any rate, what good has ever come from advancements in science and mathematics? My administration’s cuts to these fields are the greatest accomplishments in our nation’s history, people are already calling me the ‘Abe Lincoln of education.’ Can you believe that? And there’s absolutely no chance of that backfiring on the American people at any point in the coming decades. No chance.”

Mathematician Amara Cramer provided her insight on the matter.

“Few people know this, but most of the mathematical breakthroughs of the last century have been directly tied to genius janitors solving equations on university chalkboards,” Cramer noted. “For example, the formalized approach to axiomatic sets and spectral sequence theory were both developed by janitors who came across open-ended formulas during their night shifts. I predict these contract cuts will have a devastating impact on society in the coming years, to say nothing of the poor janitors who rely on their work being discovered to get their lives back on track.”

At press time, Trump’s contract cuts were also affecting the Harvard Law attendance of sorority girls who were using their academic talents to overcome blonde stereotypes.

Man Claiming to Multitask Actually Just Making a Lot of Different Mistakes at the Same Time

Posted on by Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND, Va. — Local Project Manager Bart McDonnell claimed recently to have discovered the Rosetta Stone of productivity, dubbing himself a “multitasking magnate,” despite just making a ton of different mistakes simultaneously, confirmed sources.

“People think you have to wait for some golden moment of focus to be productive, but we’ve evolved beyond that,” McDonnell said while checking his SkyBet account, mixing a protein coffee smoothie, and sending a text to his boy Nate about getting fucked up. “I’m not looking over my shoulder for a saber tooth tiger while I’m making a fire. I’m answering emails during a meeting, editing a project pitch, drafting tomorrow’s to-do list, and checking in with my boys in the groupchat. Let’s fucking go! Oops, I sent that text to my boss.”

McDonnell’s live-in girlfriend Amy Dixon is not convinced.

“Bart is distracted to the point that he cannot finish anything. He calls himself a mogul or whatever but I know that he’s had several bad performance reviews at work recently. Mostly for making really obvious mistakes. I hate to put him on blast, but he even lacks the focus for physical intimacy,” Dixon said. “I’ve suggested couple’s therapy, but Bart always says he has to check his calendar, then ends up scrolling Reddit while listening to All-In. Sometimes I don’t think he’d notice if I moved out.”

Cognitive Psychologist Chelsea Hughes studies the effects of multitasking at the University of Richmond and cautions against the practice.

“The allure makes sense, we’re all being pulled in so many directions,” Hughes said while inputting data for a Chi-squared test. “But research shows that multitasking comes at the cost of reduced productivity and performance. Despite all our advancements, sequentially focusing on tasks remains crucial to optimal outcomes in complex environments. As much as playing ‘Gears of War 2’ while filing your taxes sounds appealing, we assure you it always ends in tax fraud and three to five years in prison.”

At press time, McDonnell was fired from his job for what he called “creative differences” and was the focus of an IRS audit, but planned to take advantage of the unexpected free time by traveling cross-country in his 2014 Honda Accord, saying he does some of his best problem-solving while driving.

The Next Helen of Troy? This Bartender and Line Cook Are Fighting Over the 19-Year-Old Hostess

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Few mythological tales are as legendary as the epic battle waged between the Greeks and the Trojans over the kidnapping of ancient civilization’s Sydney Sweeney of the time, Helen of Troy. Lots of lessons can be learned from the tale, the main takeaway of the story though was that Helen was so maddeningly beautiful, thousands of men were willing to fight a ten year war over whose house she was going to live in.

And if myths truly are parables that help us understand human nature then it should help explain how Emily Brown, the 19-year-old hostess of suburban Applebees has become the next Helen of Troy ever since the restaurant’s line cook and mid shift bartender have been waging war over her affections.

It’s no secret that Emily is considered the most beautiful employee here. And according to the restaurant group chat, her looks are even coveted as far and wide as the Chili’s down the road. And that fact has not gone unnoticed by Kevin, the afternoon bartender, and Mike, the veteran line cook, who have been angling to be seen with her after work since the minute she arrived for orientation.

“Last week I finally agreed to hang out with Mike, but I guess Kevin intentionally comped him a drink with Ex-Lax in it. And while Mike was shitting his pants in the employee bathroom Kevin invited me to see his friends show, and now I can barely walk five feet without one of these idiots nearly getting in a fist fight to ask me out at the same time. It’s 3 pm on a Tuesday, like calm down.”

It’s hard to tell who will come out on top when they are so evenly matched as well: both are ten years Emily’s senior, own cars with more than 200,000 miles on the odometer, and have either dated, been in a situationship, or had an awkward one night stand with several previous hostesses. However, Mike does have a slight advantage here due to the fact that he can operate a microwave and rthermalizer while Kevin has already burned his two strikes for comping drinks to underage co-workers. It’ll all come down to which guy Emily can see herself lowering her standards for. But being that she’s the face that launched a thousand (unsolicited) dick pics, it’s likely she’ll be settling to call HR first.

Trump Administration to Cut Much Needed Mental Health Funds for Clown Posses

Posted on by Charles Bill

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced plans to cut much needed mental health funds for America’s clown posses, confirmed dope-ass sources.

“They’ve been stealing our money and spending it on Faygo,” said the President. “People are always saying to me, ‘Donald, why does my tax money go to these clowns’ and I know exactly what they mean. This Dark Carnival is very bad, lot of criminals there. And they gather all the time, have you heard of this? They’re laughing at us. Violent J is a personal friend of mine, smart guy. His fans might be insane, but they’d be more insane to think they’re going to squeeze more money out of the American people.”

Although Trump’s language indicated that the funds were being misused, most recipients of them spent the money on appropriate mental health programs.

“I was going to a therapist three times a week, and I almost got to the point of taking off my face paint,” said Tom Shifflet, a Juggalo in the early steps of recovery. “I just want to be normal and mentally sound again, but instead I spend my days listening to ‘Miracles’ and acting like it’s profound. I realize that no sane person would think that Shaggy 2 Dope is a cool name, but I do, and I’m tired of it. Mr. Trump, if you can hear me, please do not cut this program, I just want to listen to Neil Young again.”

The money allotted to mental health for clown posses is not only used to fix current Juggalos, but to prevent further people from falling into Juggalohood.

“If these cuts go through, we will see thousands more start buying face paint,” explained psychiatrist and Juggalo expert Dr. Erica von Neumann. “The Dark Carnival is an alluring concept, and it will pull in more Americans than ever. I’ve had multiple patients who I’ve been able to talk out of attending the Gathering of the Juggalos and have now moved on to living relatively normal and fulfilling lives. Without this money, I’m afraid that they will be permanently lost.”

At press time, Trump reversed course on the cuts after a “very productive meeting” with Violent J.

Cousin Wearing MAGA Hat and Fake ICE Jacket Doesn’t Want to Talk About Politics At Memorial Day BBQ

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

WINDSOR, Conn — Local terrible cousin Terry Reynolds made everyone uncomfortable at his family’s annual Memorial Day BBQ by loudly declaring that “Woke is dead!” And there were to be no political discussions at the event, all while proudly wearing a MAGA hat and replica ICE agent jacket, sources trying to avoid talking with the man confirmed.

“Literally nobody ever brings up politics except Terry,” said cool uncle Mike Reynolds, who has been in charge of burgers and dogs at the BBQ since 1993. “My niece Sharon and I were having a nice conversation about the little store that she runs, and then Terry just walked up, yelled ‘Illegals get the fuck out! America is so back!’ and posted up for a high five. Then he asked what YouTube videos we watch to get our news, I intentionally burned my hand with my spatula just to get away from him. But a few minutes later he overheard Sharon mention that her shop was being hit hard with the tariffs, and Terry just lost it.

Everyone’s least favorite family member treated the entire event like a victory lap.

“We won, and the snowflakes I share my DNA with can’t stop crying. It’s alright though, these burgers could use some more seasoning and I can use their liberal tears,” laughed the cousin who is currently driving on a suspended driver’s license for multiple DUIs. “Support the troops support our president, and fucking stand for that flag song. I don’t want to hear anyone going on about that woke nonsense. That’s politics. Telling me Beyonce is country now. Telling me I can’t sing all the Wu-Tang lyrics because ‘that’s not my word.’ And all the gay stuff. And for the record, I’m not using ‘gay’ in a derogatory sense. I mean literally talking about anything gay is politics.”

Maggie Filson, a family therapist and professor of psychology at UConn, explained why terrible family members are still typically invited to events.

“People are bored, and existence is pretty awful right now. Although it might seem like a bad idea to invite your family member who stormed the Capitol on January 6th, but something kind of magical happens when a Terry, or in my case, Aunt Ruth, shows up to an event,” said Filson. “Yes, they almost always ruin the vibe, but they also give the other attendees something that is deeply needed, especially amidst the ennui of the Anthropocene: a common enemy. Everyone hates the Terrys of the world, and nothing brings people together more than hate. It’s actually quite beautiful.”

At press time, members of the Reynolds family were able to briefly get rid of cousin Terry by setting him loose in the woods to find the Antifa base camp that was rumored to be out there.

Help! I Read the Comments Section, and Now I’m Researching Charlemagne’s Military Tactics on Wikipedia So I Can Win an Argument With a Complete Stranger About Red 40

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

They say that “no good deed goes unpunished,” but I have another platitude to add to the mix: “no read comment goes unargued.”

It all started when I embarked on my usual three-hour pre-bed doom-scrolling ritual, flipping between TikTok, Reels, and YouTube shorts in a near-catatonic state. Little did I know I’d find myself dick deep in 10 open browser tabs while giving myself a crash course on Charlemagne, the ruler of the Carolingian Empire, and the military tactics that earned him his title as the forerunner to the line of Holy Roman Emperors because I got into a blistering debate with some dude about whether Red 40 is a big deal after watching one of my many chug channels try to take down a three liter of Code Red.

While I still maintain that Red 40 is generally harmless to the average consumer in moderate doses, it turns out that having this point of view is the catalyst for a geopolitical lecture from a private account with an anime avatar. Pointing out that I personally avoid the allegedly problematic dye because it’s one of many migraine triggers for me (so is organic cantaloupe, go figure), I suggested that I only represent a small microcosm of the population who should avoid any product that has it listed in its ingredients statement.

Just like Charlemagne and his conflict with the Eastern Roman Empire, I was ready to go to war until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.

Three hours later, I found myself diagramming battle tours on a napkin and uploading them to IMGUR to prove to a user named “JUNGLEOFBUTTS” that he doesn’t understand how supply chains work for some reason.

I don’t know how it got to this point, but just like reforming the fallen Western Roman Empire, I knew I had to put the work in to be the victor of this hearty yet totally unnecessary debate.

All I said was that if Red 40 is FDA approved, it can’t be that bad for you. In fact, there are several food dyes banned in the US that are still used in the EU, to which he suggested that it would never have passed Charlemagne’s food purity laws to ensure a strong and virile army at the tail end of the eighth century.

But JUNGLEOFBUTTS couldn’t have been more mistaken because Charlemagne was more concerned with defending the papacy, removing the Lombards from power in Northern Italy, introducing Christianity to the Saxons, and establishing the Carolingian Renaissance than anything else.

The guy didn’t even care about transparency in food labeling as far as I could surmise, and why would he?

Tired and deflated, I did what any sane person would do at this point, and accused JUNGLEOFBUTTS of coping hard before blocking him and going to bed.

Pete Hegseth Wishes Happy Memorial Day to Covert Marine Operatives Stationed at 15.5527° N, 48.5164° E

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth delivered a special Memorial Day message to a covert unit of Marine operatives stationed at classified coordinates in Yemen, sources confirmed.

“Morale has been a little low around here lately, so I thought I’d give a special shout out to some of our brave soldiers fighting behind enemy lines, like our Marines currently positioned at 15.5527° N, 48.5164° E,” said Hegseth, cans rattling underfoot as he swayed at the podium. “So if you happen to run into them, make sure to thank them for their service—oh, I almost forgot, the parole word is ‘Grisham’ so they know you’re friendly. Say you know what’d be fun? Sharing some fun facts about these fine warfighters, so here’s a list of their mothers’ maiden names, the street they grew up on, and the names of their childhood pets.”

Special Operations Officer Rick Grant has reportedly been trying to reestablish contact with the Marines for the past several hours.

“We lost contact with the Marine Raider unit shortly after Secretary Hegseth’s statement, but I’m sure they’re fine—once I figure out which ‘Fox and Friends’ host is next in the chain of command I’ll fly it up the flagpole and get this all sorted out,” said Grant. “There’s always change to operations with a new Secretary of Defense, and sometimes that means you lose a couple Marines, or you have to dump an F/A-18 Super Hornet off the USS Harry S. Truman to make room for folding tables for the beer pong tournament.”

President Trump was reportedly displeased that he hadn’t heard from the unit on Memorial Day.

“Have you heard about these Marine Army guys in Yemen, folks? Just up and disappeared without having the decency to call their Commander in Chief and wish him a Happy Memorial Day, can you believe that? Very rude and poor behavior that was tolerated by spineless Joe Biden, but no more!” ranted Trump during the Memorial Day service at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. “Even Abdul-Malik al-Houthi called me today, we had a very nice chat. I said Hootie—that’s what I call him, you know he’s a very handsome man—I said Hootie you can keep those ingrates and lock them up for all I care, then maybe then they’ll learn to respect their President.”

President Trump reportedly concluded his speech at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier by producing a golden shovel and asking if anyone wanted to see a dead body.