OLYMPIA, Wash. — Preston Gage, guitarist for the legendary drone metal band Annulvoid, is kicking himself after playing the wrong note for an entire show,…
Drone Metal Fan Hearing Slurpee Machine in the Distance Wonders “What Band Is This?!”
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local drone metal fan Judson Riley was recently seen in his neighborhood gas station murmuring, “What band is this?” as a Slurpee…
As Part of Our Court Ordered Community Service We Ranked The Best and Worst Metal Band From Every State
Every state thinks they have the best metal band around. They also think your state has the worst metal band ever. Are you gonna let…
Metalhead Asks Doctor If He Can Tune Tinnitus to D
PRESCOTT, Ariz. — Local metal enthusiast Griff Nilsson asked his doctor to adjust the persistent ringing in his ears to a pitch that was more…
PORTLAND, Maine — Police were forced to drop all charges against local metalhead Bryant Newman after Newman was able to use the shirt he purchased…
Oh, You’re a Metalhead? Name Three Metal Bands You Fucking Hate With Every Ounce of Your Being
Ha, I remember when I wore my first band shirt. I bet you just love Venom and think they’re the greatest NWOBHM band to come…
Metalhead Plays it Safe by Wearing That One Johnny Cash Shirt He Owns While Visiting In-Law’s
FREDONIA, N.Y. — Local metalhead Sam Barnhill decided it would probably be a good call to wear his lone Johnny Cash t-shirt to his in-law’s…
Metalhead Relieved Religious Coworker Just Going to Pray for Him Instead of Reporting His T-Shirt to HR Department
ENDICOTT, N.Y. — Metalhead and production worker at a local bottling plant Louie Moore breathed a sigh of relief after one of his religious coworkers…
Son, There Comes a Time in Every Metalhead’s Life When They Must Start Sewing Patches on Their Vest Themselves
Listen, Barth…err I mean “Agramon,” your mother and I love you very much. We are both so proud of the kvlt metal staple you’ve become…
CLARKSDALE, Miss. — Local metalhead Perry Tate came across Satan himself at the crossroads and instantly sold his soul to the Prince of Darkness without…
Metal Guitarist Warned He Will Go Blind Playing So Many Solos
SHREVEPORT, La. — Local metal band Sinister Dissonance warned their guitarist Henry Derrickson that he’ll go blind if he doesn’t stop playing so many solos,…
Power Metal Singer Recognized More for Being Guy Who Serves Turkey Legs at Renaissance Faire Than for Band
STERLING, N.Y. — Local metalhead Johnathan Riccitiello admittedly received more recognition for serving turkey legs at the local Renaissance Faire than for his time in…
God Forbids Amish Metalhead to Be Anything But Drummer
LANCASTER, Pa — Amish musician Zeke Johnson bypassed his religion’s strict restrictions on modern technology by playing drums in his metal band Barn Burners, confirmed…
Review: Type O Negative “Bloody Kisses”
Each week, The Hard Times takes a look back at a classic album, some of which are easier to find through a cursory Google search…
SALEM, Ore. — Metalhead and biology lab technician Chris Mathes once again cut the fingertips off his safety gloves despite the risk of contamination and…