LAS VEGAS – Patriot Sound Technologies unveiled their latest pedal collaboration with Five Finger Death Punch guitarist Zoltan Bathory, which accuses any user who tries…
Long Island has a lot going for it. It’s got a couple of beaches, bagels, and more emo bands per capita than anywhere else in…
15 Drain Songs That Should Replace the California State Anthem
If California is so progressive, why haven’t they updated their state song in nearly three-quarters of a century? The current anthem, “I Love You, California”…
Every Poison the Well Album Ranked Worst to Best
Serious question: when ranking the best hardcore bands of all time, does Poison the Well ever get brought up? Because they should at least be…
As Part of Our Court Ordered Community Service We Ranked The Best and Worst Metal Band From Every State
Every state thinks they have the best metal band around. They also think your state has the worst metal band ever. Are you gonna let…
World’s Biggest Dimmu Borgir Fan Hopes He’s Pronouncing it Right
ROSCOMMON, Mich. – Local bachelor and self-proclaimed world’s biggest Dimmu Borgir fan Eric Sandstrom still isn’t sure if he’s pronouncing the band’s name correctly, giggling…
Metalhead Asks Doctor If He Can Tune Tinnitus to D
PRESCOTT, Ariz. — Local metal enthusiast Griff Nilsson asked his doctor to adjust the persistent ringing in his ears to a pitch that was more…
In the years prior to 1983 (give or take), many fans of hard rock and heavy metal were trapped with the ultimate crisis: the need…
AUSTIN, Texas — Lady Nocturne, the founder and sole member of anonymous black metal project Broken Widow, admitted her secret identity only exists to spare…
PORTLAND, Maine — Police were forced to drop all charges against local metalhead Bryant Newman after Newman was able to use the shirt he purchased…
Doom Metal Fan Listens to Podcasts at .05x
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local doom metal aficionado Matt Galloway admitted he prefers to listen to podcasts at a mind-numbing .05x speed setting, confirmed bewildered and…
Every Meshuggah Album Ranked Worst to Best
There are very few bands who make me want to dance one moment and then headbutt a cactus the next. Sweden’s Meshuggah is one of…
Every Dio Album Ranked Worst to Best
The origins of Dio can be traced back to of all things a mixing disagreement for a live album. Band namesake Ronnie James Dio and…
Oh, You’re a Metalhead? Name Three Metal Bands You Fucking Hate With Every Ounce of Your Being
Ha, I remember when I wore my first band shirt. I bet you just love Venom and think they’re the greatest NWOBHM band to come…
Every Strung Out Album Ranked From Worst to Best
Strung Out revolutionized punk music by being talented. Metal-infused skate punk with a hint of thrash has never been this technically proficient. The solos per…