TACOMA, Wash. — Atmospheric black metal band Galadriel’s Mirror pushed back against critics who claim their only influence is “The Lord of the Rings,” claiming…
8 Socially Acceptable Reasons To Scream “Fuckin’ Slayer!” Directly Into the Faces of Passersby
As you probably know, FUCKIN’ SLAYYYYERRRR! But unfortunately, there are some people out there who are unaware. Yes, I know, it is very sad. What’s…
50 Punk, Hardcore, Metal, And Indie Albums We Listened To In 2023 That We Legally Can’t Call A ‘Year-End List’
2023 is coming to an end. Another remarkable year that proves true the old adage: ‘yes, things actually can and will get worse, and boy…
Every Municipal Waste Album Ranked Worst to Best
Municipal Waste are the premier crossover thrash band from Richmond, Virginia, and for most of their existence has been composed of the core quartet of…
Doctors Warn Overuse of White Noise Machines For Babies Could Lead to More Drone Metal Bands
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Doctors across the country warned new and prospective parents that excessive use of white noise machines might lead infants to start drone…
High School Metal Band Makes Pact That If They’re All Still Degenerate Pieces of Shit In Twenty Years They’ll Reunite
SMYRNA, Del. — High school metal band Drunk Blacksmith made an adolescent pact that if when they’re all “as old and unappealing as stale dogshit”…
DUBAI — Members of the Saudi royal family were are in full damage control today after it was revealed Metallica’s first-ever show in the country…
Grammys Announce Metallica, Slipknot, and Ghost Also Nominated For Best Metal Performance in 2025, 2026, and 2027
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — The Grammy Awards’ nomination committee preemptively slated Metallica, Slipknot, and Ghost as nominees for Best Metal Performance in 2025, 2026, and…
Every Lamb of God Album Ranked Worst to Best
Lamb of God is a groove metal band from Richmond, Virginia. The classic line-up—vocalist Randy Blythe, guitarists Mark Morton and Willie Adler, bassist John Campbell,…
Every Trivium Album Ranked Worst to Best
If there’s one state you can count on to give you prime quality every time, it’s Florida. From their world renowned tourist attractions to their…
Arguing Over Which Metal Bands Belong to Which Subgenre Now Recognized as Own Metal Subgenre
WEBSTER, N.Y. — Leading music experts unanimously agreed that arguments between fans over which metal bands are considered to be part of which subgenres is…
Ten Underrated Albums From Roadrunner Records to Listen to While You Pretend to Train for a Marathon
Nickelback (yes, that Nickelback), Slipknot, Turnstile, Theory of a Deadman, and various other rock and roll for your body, heart, soul and MySpace acts that…
New Study Shows Playing Tool for Your Newborn Causes Them to Grow Up Thinking They’re Smarter Than Everyone
DURHAM, NC — Researchers at Duke University recently discovered that playing Tool for your newborn will cause them to grow up thinking they’re smarter, deeper,…
Jay Weinberg Booted From Slipknot After Lying About Ability to Hook Up Band with Springsteen Tickets
SIOUX CITY, Iowa — Slipknot announced they parted ways with drummer Jay Weinberg after it was revealed that he exaggerated his ability to use his…
Unpaid Child Support Increases by 50% After Godsmack Announces Tour
LAWRENCE, Mass. — A new government report shows that unpaid child support rose nearly by half following the legendary butt rock band Godsmack’s recent tour…