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metal

Band Accomplishes Life-Long Goal of Playing in Europe to Four People

europe, metal, band
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AMSTERDAM — The life-long dream of American metal band Goat Machine came true last week when they finally […]

Music Posted on April 10, 2018April 9, 2018

Dedicated Metalhead Uses TaxSlayer to Annihilate, Properly File His 1040EZ

tax, slayer, metal, file
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ALLENTOWN, Penn. — Metal diehard James Allen used the online tax filing platform TaxSlayer yesterday to “eviscerate, desecrate, […]

Culture Posted on April 3, 2018March 30, 2018

I Know More About This Band Than You, so Don’t Even Try to Have Fun Tonight

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Listen here, poser. You think you know this band? Really? What, you started listening to them six weeks […]

Hard Style Posted on February 26, 2018February 26, 2018

Metal Album Art Gives Demons Unrealistic Body Expectations

demon, metal, album, cover art, body image issues
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CITY OF DIS, Hell — 78 percent of demons across the Netherworld experienced feelings of low self-esteem and […]

Culture Posted on February 2, 2018January 30, 2018

Metallica Merch Booth World’s 32nd Largest Economy

metallica, merchandise, merch, james hetfield, lars ulrich, lawsuit, economy,
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LOS ANGELES — Metallica’s live concert and online merch booth is now the world’s 32nd largest economy by […]

Music Posted on January 31, 2018January 30, 2018

Alice Cooper Unveils Plans for First Republican Goth Golf Course

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PHOENIX — Shock rocker Alice Cooper broke ground today on his new Republican-exclusive, goth-themed golf course, “Welcome to […]

Music Posted on January 20, 2018January 19, 2018

Buckethead Finally Reveals Origin of Mysterious Nickname

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LOS ANGELES — Prolific metal guitarist Buckethead finally revealed the origin of his nickname today at a press […]

Music Posted on January 10, 2018January 8, 2018

Grind Band Announces Two-Day, 50-City Tour

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PITTSBURGH — Grindcore band Visceral Womb will embark on a two-day, 50 city-tour in support of their new […]

Music Posted on January 9, 2018January 6, 2018

These Three Syrian Kids Overcame Every Obstacle to Record a Heavy Metal Album, Which We Give a 2/10

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In a land decimated by civil war, terrorism, and violence, Syrian musicians have persevered through hell on earth. […]

Hard Style Posted on January 2, 2018January 3, 2018

State Fair’s Whitesnake Cover Band Sadly the Real Whitesnake

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LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Music fans at the Kentucky State Fair were surprised and depressed last week to learn […]

MusicRock Posted on December 11, 2017April 21, 2018

Death Metal Paramedic Performs CPR at 220 BPM

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BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — EMT student Lindsay Taugida set a record yesterday during a class test in reaching 220 […]

Culture Posted on November 30, 2017April 21, 2018

Metal Band Debating Who Will Be the One with Short Hair

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CLEVELAND — Tensions erupted earlier this week when local metal band Six Inch Fetus struggled to determine who […]

News/Politics Posted on September 15, 2017November 28, 2017

Metalcore Band Could Become SoundCloud Rappers at Any Moment

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CINCINNATI — Metalcore stalwarts Agony of Death are closing in on a band agreement that could lead to […]

MusicNews/Politics Posted on September 13, 2017September 12, 2017

SHOW REVIEW: Harm’s Way Was Great Until the Singer Made Me Do 20 Push-Ups

The Harm's Way Show Was Great Until the Vocalist Made Me Do 20 Push-Ups
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I’ve been a Harm’s Way fan since I first discovered the Chicago-based heavy hitters on the Bridge 9 […]

Hard Style Posted on September 4, 2017September 4, 2017

It’s Been Six Days And Sleep Are Still Playing (Please Send Food)

It’s Been Six Days And Sleep Are Still Playing (Please Send Food)
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When I heard that doom metal gods Sleep were playing “Dopesmoker” in its entirety on an outdoor stage […]

Hard Style Posted on September 2, 2017September 2, 2017

Grindcore Vocalist Asks if Band Has Time for Nine More

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PITTSBURGH — After blasting through the first 27 songs of their set last night, local grindcore vocalist Alex […]

News/Politics Posted on August 14, 2017August 13, 2017

Born-Again Metalhead Only Listens to Old Testament

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SAN FRANCISCO — Born-again metalhead Pete Ericson will only listen to Testament albums released before 1992, claiming those […]

MusicNews/Politics Posted on August 14, 2017August 13, 2017

Stoner Metal Band Just Regular Metal Band While Interviewing for Jobs

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MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Local stoner metal band Soundmurder are making “painful” sacrifices to accommodate a tedious, sober search […]

MusicNews/Politics Posted on August 13, 2017August 12, 2017

I Created a YouTube Account to Comment “White Snake Is REAL Music Not the Fake Disney Crap We Got Today”

I Created a YouTube Account to Comment "White Snake Is REAL Music Not the Fake Disney Crap We Got Today"
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I’m not much of a computer guy, OK? I work 10-hour days at McSimmon’s Tool & Die six […]

Hard Style Posted on August 13, 2017August 12, 2017

Amps Left On Accidentally Record New Sunn O))) Album

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“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, ‘When we leave the studio, we have to turn […]

MusicNews/Politics Posted on August 4, 2017August 4, 2017

You’ve Never Really Experienced Metallica Until You’ve Seen Them Live, From 5,000 Feet Away, in the Upper Deck, Behind the Stage, Next to the Men’s Bathroom

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I’m sorry, you don’t like Metallica? I don’t think I understand that statement. You just never got into […]

Hard Style Posted on July 22, 2017July 22, 2017

Still Inspiring, I Guess: Three Little Ethiopian Girls Just Tried to Cover Metallica But Totally Blew It

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A good viral video is like a short story. When an underdog rises to the occasion, takes on […]

Hard Style Posted on July 11, 2017July 10, 2017

Stoner Metal Fan Who Showed up for Sleep Study Disappointed but Cooperative

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SAN FRANCISCO — A confused stoner participated in a sleep-study program last week, despite falsely believing the nocturnal […]

News/Politics Posted on July 3, 2017July 2, 2017

Meshuggah Tabs Revealed to be Morse Code Distress Signal from Guitarist

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RIVERBANK, Calif. — Meshuggah’s latest album The Violent Sleep Of Reason is riddled with hidden Morse code distress […]

MusicNews/PoliticsPunk/Hardcore Posted on June 28, 2017April 22, 2018

Trump Bans Foreigner

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WASHINGTON — President Trump signed a new executive order earlier today, banning Foreigner from the United States, White […]

MusicNews/PoliticsRock Posted on June 12, 2017April 22, 2018

Norwegian Authorities Catch US Black Metal Band Attempting to Cross Border Without Weapons

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TRONDHEIM, Norway — Norwegian customs officials detained U.S. black metal band VVulfblud during their Scandinavian tour for not […]

MetalMusicNews/Politics Posted on June 9, 2017April 22, 2018

Doom Metal Festival Canceled Due to Clear Skies and Sunny Weather

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BALTIMORE — Promoters of the Dollops of Doom festival canceled the three-day music event at the last minute […]

Grind/Noise/OtherMusicNews/Politics Posted on June 1, 2017April 22, 2018

Arby’s Employee Asks Coworker if He Makes a Lot of Money Playing Music

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ORLANDO, Fla. — Part-time Arby’s fry cook Marty Pitts recently asked coworker Clint Kettering if fronting local metal […]

News/Politics Posted on May 31, 2017May 30, 2017

Black Metal Band Tactfully Asks Widow’s Permission to Film Music Video During Husband’s Funeral Service

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WILKES-BARRE, Pa. — Local black metal band Decapitated Forest tactfully asked recently widowed Jolene Watkins Thursday evening if […]

MusicNews/Politics Posted on May 27, 2017May 26, 2017

Cannibal Corpse and Nicki Minaj Collaborate on Song About Eating Ass

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TAMPA, Fla. — Death-metal band Cannibal Corpse and pop singer Nicki Minaj are working on a surprising collaboration […]

MusicNews/Politics Posted on May 15, 2017May 14, 2017

Guitarist on Deathbed Sounds Out Killer Riff to Rest of Band

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ELGIN, Ill. — Arthur McInerney, lead guitarist for the technical death metal band Magmarok, passed away Thursday following […]

MusicNews/Politics Posted on May 13, 2017May 12, 2017

Metal Lyricist Struggling to Find Right Word to Rhyme With ‘Maggot-Ridden Anal Contusion’

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SHREVEPORT, La. — Goat Cadaver frontman and lyricist Jake Reid reportedly hit a wall in his songwriting process […]

MusicNews/Politics Posted on May 10, 2017May 10, 2017

Grindcore Band Designing Album Art Pissed About Lack of Fair Use Mutilated Baby Photos

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SHAMROCK, Texas — The lack of fair use photos of mutilated babies has left local grindcore band Rectal […]

MusicNews/Politics Posted on April 15, 2017April 15, 2017

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