TORONTO — Crust punk Seth Ulrich tragically bled to death yesterday after making the unfortunate decision to floss his teeth for the first time in…
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Local crust punk Skye Mathtison is leaning hard into self-help culture for 2024, pinning pictures of his deepest desires of the dirtiest…
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Crust punk Brad DelFino’s bathing attempt brought tragedy to his community yesterday, as sources report the 10-minute shower somehow left DelFino grosser…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk Eddy “Rotgut” Lewiston made a panicked phone call to his parents to make sure his vast fortune was not affected…
MAMANUCA ISLANDS, Fiji. — Crew members currently filming the latest season of “Survivor” were shocked to discover that a scab covered, emaciated, crust punk they…
NEW YORK — The Lower East Side crust punk scene is gripped by debate over the credibility veteran scene icon Bradley “Lice” Skeever, who is…
MANCHESTER, N.H — Recently discovered journals belonging to the late GG Allin revealed surprising new details about the singer’s creative process, as well as the…
HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Seminal crust punk band Leftöver Crack canceled their upcoming Midwestern tour today when drummer Donny Morris missed the freight train door…
PHILADELPHIA — A group of local crust punks selflessly offered to help furloughed “bootlicking peons of the bloated and immoral federal government” yesterday by teaching…
WEST SENECA, N.Y. — Legendary crust punk Selma “Pusbubble” Gormin shocked her friends and fellow squatters this morning, announcing that she was “sick of this…
NEW YORK — Up-and-coming crust punk comedian Gil “Ratboy” Johnson tried to entertain audiences last night at The Creek with nuanced takes on landlords, dating,…
NEW YORK — Local crust punk Phil “Rat Face” Howland took creative measures last week to turn his uneven beard into a stronger representation of…
DALLAS — Ricardo “the Scuzz” Garza tripled his net worth last night when he found a half of a pack of cigarettes on a venue…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Crust-punk presidential candidate Leo “Swamp” Marsh revealed plans today to slash employment opportunities during an impassioned campaign speech held in vacant hotel…
TACOMA, Wash. — The residents of the “Scab Lab” crust punk house were evacuated last night in response to an anonymous bath bomb threat, according…