Wireless System Gives Guitarist Freedom to Suck All Over Stage

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Bobby “Fingers” Randall, lead guitarist for The Horny Wombats, acquired a PowerTone WRV-189 Digital Wireless System last week, enabling him to perform terribly from any location during shows, his bandmates confirmed.

“‘Fingers’ was moving around the stage too much as it was, but with this wireless thing, it’s out of control,” said bassist Miles Jackson, shaking his head. “He’s constantly running out of range and knocking over mic stands. I’d put up with that stuff if he was better at guitar, but…”

Randall showed off the wireless system before a show last night at Scrappy’s Ale House while his bandmates set up equipment, checked sound, and did other work necessary for a good show to take place.

“The sickest part is how I can move around faster during my solos, and I don’t have to worry about tripping on the cable,” Randalls said, before sprinting to the front corner of the stage while letting out a screechy series of muddled notes that lacked even the weakest glimmer of musicianship. “It’s like a whole new world, baby.”

Financial records prove the $350 system was purchased by Randall’s parents as a birthday present earlier this month. The new wireless rig allegedly cost more than the combined total of his Squier guitar, Peavey amplifier, and Wah pedal, which Randall still doesn’t know how to hook up.

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“He told us not having a wire would let him interact with the crowd more during shows. He’s even come up with some synchronized dance moves for the band to do together, which is cool, I guess,” said drummer Julie Rosenberg. “But if he could stay on tempo, that would be even cooler.”

Live music experts noted that Randall is part of a familiar pattern of mediocrity.

“Bad musicians often use gimmicks to substitute for actual musical skill,” said Molly Griffin, spokeswoman for the Musical Competence Institute, an advocacy group. “Mastering an instrument takes years of diligent practice. Buying a pointless tech gadget is much easier, because you can always blame technical difficulties for your bad sound.”

At show time, Fingers was last seen begging the sound guy for a spare battery pack, the previous of which he had fully depleted while showing off the wireless system to friends.

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Article by Andy Holt @IAmAndyHolt.


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