Total Pussy Won’t Do Drugs Because They “Tore His Family Apart”

MILWAUKEE — Thomas Hannigan, a 22-year-old with a family history of addiction and psychological disorder, is acting like a “complete baby, chickenshit buzzkill, and probably a fucking virgin” with regards to drug and alcohol use, according to multiple witnesses.

Hannigan’s attitude sent reverberations throughout the Wisconsin music scene.

“After a show last night, I asked him if he wanted a hit of this dank-ass weed I was smoking,” said local bassist Geoff Waxler. “But then he was like, ‘No thank you,’ and said something about a long drive home.”

“Fucking nerd,” added Waxler, who was later arrested for urinating on a parked sedan.

The emasculating accusations have made Hannigan a little defensive.

“It’s easy to [be a complete fucking pussy about drugs] when you grow up seeing the damage that shit can cause,” said Hannigan. “I’m just trying to break the cycle here. Most people are lucky enough to not have to drive their mom to work because her license is suspended, or to regularly visit their dad in rehab.”

The alleged “freakin’ narc” added that he “considered doing psychedelics once,” but that plan ended when his sister fell off a water tower after taking LSD. Sources familiar with the incident report Hannigan stubbornly refused to “…just fucking handle it and you’ll be fine, you know?”

Even experts are perplexed. “Hannigan is a curious case,” said Linda Abazi, a psychology researcher at University of Wisconsin-Madison. “I question his motives. How do you know if you don’t like it if you haven’t even done it? Just basic logic. All the research backs that up.”

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According to Abazi, Hannigan’s anti-drug attitude places him somewhere between “wittle baby who needs to man up and smoke a joint” and “huge puss-puss” on the Gilchrist Scale, which measures such phenomena.

“I heard he doesn’t even drink — that’s, like, the easiest one!” added the researcher. “It isn’t even illegal. He’d probably be a lot more fun if he actually drank.”

The young “no-fun lame-o loser” plans to continue his drug-free lifestyle in the face of criticism. He did, however, admit to at least one private pleasure most don’t know about. “My one addiction,” said Hannigan, “is crossword puzzles.”

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Photo by Shelby Kettrick @ShelbyShootsStuff.


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