LAS VEGAS — A tense scene unfolded at Bowl City USA last night, when longtime skinhead Jonathan “Jonny” Bell insisted on renting a pair of steel toed bowling shoes that meet his strict “working class” standards, according to multiple terrified witnesses.
“I was just about to enter my backswing, when I heard someone yell, ‘Don’t you fucking lie to me. These don’t feel like they have metal in them. My toes could get seriously injured.’ I got so distracted, I pulled to the right and missed a spare,” said alley regular Buck Reynolds. “I don’t think he knows bowling shoes are just designed to preserve the boards. They don’t normally need reinforced toe protection.”
Unfortunately, shoe counter attendant Michelle Walker wasn’t able to accommodate the irate skin.
“No tennis shoes, no cleats, no high heels. Only flat, soft, rubber soles allowed. All of our shoes are made of white and red leather and not much else. Frankly, steel toes wouldn’t provide any benefit to your game,” said Walker. “He said he should be allowed to wear his boots, but this shoe thing is our one rule. People can sneak in alcohol, swear like goddamn sailors — we don’t care. Hell, last week, some drunk idiot put his testicles in the ball return as a joke for the fourth time. But we always let him finish his game.”
Bell was quick to defend his choice of footwear.
“First off, I’m one of those anti-racist, anarchist skinheads, so get that right in your little article,” said Bell. “What happens if I need to bust up any Nazis that might be at the lanes today… or any other enemies of the working class? Don’t come looking to me for help.”
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Bowlers stationed near the shoe counter report the vitriolic punk was unwilling to compromise with the young woman, refusing to fall back on a sock full of arcade tokens as a makeshift Nazi-fighting weapon — or even just a simple bowling ball to the forehead — in place of his traditional, steel toed work boots.
“He’s been the most annoying customer I’ve ever dealt with, and I work at a freakin’ bowling alley,” added an exhausted Walker. “Plus, [the skinhead] didn’t even like my Camper Van Beethoven joke. Screw him.”
At press time, Bell was debating whether to give up and exit Bowl City USA in defeat.
“This is a fucking travesty,” said Bell. “This is almost as bad as when the roller rink claimed they didn’t carry steel toed roller blades.”
Article by John Graham and Kyle Erf @KyleErf.