WASHINGTON — A flying sleigh led by eight tiny reindeer confirmed to belong to Santa Claus was found in violation of United States no-fly zone restrictions in upstate New York today, according to Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Joseph Dunford.
“At 22:00 Eastern Standard Time, the Pentagon received word from the Niagara Falls Air Reserve Station of suspicious aircraft flying over Buffalo, New York,” said Dunford at a press briefing in Washington. “We can confirm via intel acquired by the National Security Agency that the vessel was indeed Santa Claus’s sleigh breaching restricted airspace.”
The NSA reportedly acquired cell phone footage of the aircraft from the ground in Buffalo, which allegedly features audible sleigh bells and faint calls of, “On Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen!”
“There’s no question in our minds at this time as to the identity of the aircraft. The trademark nose of Rudolph could be plainly seen leading the way, with what looked like stardust trailing behind. It is Kris Kringle, alright,” Dunford assured the press. “As far as possible consequences, it’s too early to say, other than there will be swift and decisive action moving forward.”
This interrupts a prolonged stalemate in the controversial War on Christmas, which began under the Obama administration in late 2009. The effort started as a focused mission with unilateral support from a Democrat-led Congress, but gradually descended into a senseless bloodbath with no significant ground gained on either side.
In a rare interview with Russian media outlet Interfax, a jolly Saint Nick expressed “great sadness” with the United States government’s refusal to let him deliver gifts to “all the good little girls and boys” in the Finger Lakes region.
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Ground troops were deployed to contain Santa and his reindeer platoon at the North Pole before his departure, with the ensuing battle leading to an elf death toll exceeding 500,000, according to early estimates. Many international critics claim the siege is simply a front for an attempt by the American government to seize control of Kris Kringle’s toy reserves.
“Make no mistake,” Obama said in a televised address following the Pentagon’s earlier statement, “this is an act of war, and we intend to respond proportionally.”
Meanwhile, President-elect Donald Trump has reiterated (via Twitter) his wish to move the United States North Pole embassy to what he called, “its rightful home in Santa’s Workshop!”
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