WORCESTER, Mass – Citing stress related headaches, trouble sleeping, and irritable bowels, sources confirmed Monday that the pressure of weekly band practice is becoming too much for 16-year-old unemployed bassist Pete Landry to endure.
“He’s really freaking out. Clumps of his hair are falling out and he shrieks like a banshee if you accidentally surprise him,” said friend and guy who accidentally surprised him, Tim Upson. “I don’t know exactly what else he has to do? I think this is about it — but it’s still too much.”
Sources confirmed Landry’s schedule is wide open aside from the weekly practice he routinely blows off. He doesn’t belong to any social clubs or participate in extra-curricular activities at school. His perpetual lack of a girlfriend — despite his best efforts — guarantee most of his days are entirely free of obligation.
Nevertheless, sources report Landry telling band mates he feels, “smothered and overwhelmed” by the 90 or so minutes Pregnant Uncle sets aside to practice every Tuesday afternoon. “He always says he’s too busy to practice with us but then we see his gamertag on Call of Duty,” added drummer Mike Shelton. “If he practiced his bass half as much as he did noobtubing people then maybe we could get a fucking show.”
Tensions over the differing levels of commitment to the band came to a head recently when Pregnant Uncle was offered a gig two towns over, a nearly 45-minute drive. “He said he had to check his schedule! I know for a fact his mom irons his Dead Kennedys shirt and puts it on a hanger for him!” screamed a frustrated Shelton. “What the fuck could he be busy with?”
Multiple efforts on the part of The Hard Times to meet with Landry proved futile. After cancelling several scheduled interviews at the last minute, Landry finally admitted it was, “just too exhausting right now” and he needed to save his energy for an upcoming trip to the grocery store he’d been planning for some time.
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